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Father...I can only tell you what I've heard from others, or about the expectations that were never fulfilled. Father (in the paternal sense): He is a mortal man, chosen by God to produce seed.
I wish I could tell you about a noble man who created me in love and proudly introduced me to this world. It just didn’t happen that way for me. My father is an unlikely beginning. I am a princess…the daughter of a King! I struggle to understand the beginning of my existence...being born of an atheist. But God is bigger than my tiny little understanding. There is a logic and purpose to His decision that has yet to be revealed to me. I don't understand it...so far, it confounds me!
I spent a lifetime of trying to puzzle fit a mortal man into my own ideas of what a father could be. I looked and watched with wide eyes. I compared with my friends, cousins and strangers in the street. How were their fathers? What purpose did they fulfill? Mine just didn't look the same. His efforts didn't seem to match. Did he protect us? No! Did he provide for us? No! Did he love us? He said so, but I just can’t see it. What is a father? How do you count one man in and another out? Is it simply the act of planting seed? Or is it more than that?
It is more than that for some. I would have liked to have had someone to sit on my pedestal. A father so wonderful he could inspire a daughter’s heart. You know, a powerful and wise man to call my father. It would be great if he were good, kind and thoughtful. Of course, he must be capable and qualified; someone who could not be denied as a ‘good father’. He should be the ultimate provider. His children should lack nothing. Wow! Wouldn’t that be a source of pride? How could I fail with a shining example to shelter and guide me? I could sit him on his throne and just worship him... Oops! Wait a minute! Never mind… Let me start again!
It would be nice to have an example of God's love on earth. It would be perfect to have an eternal source of comfort and peace in which to draw my strength. It would be outstanding to have someone I could run to when the hurt of the world is too much for me. I could really appreciate someone who would love me no matter how much I've messed up. I need that special someone who can love me through my mistakes and guide me to be a better person…a better woman. I need someone who will protect me and look out for my best interest. I want someone who will save me and protect me...no matter what the cost! I was asked to write about a paternal earthly father, but how can I? The things that make a good father were provided by my Father God. If I write about my father of this earth...it might have to be a blank page!
Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother. I hear His voice command. But how do I honor him? Where? And when do I honor him? Do I honor him now? As a self proclaimed Atheist? Should I honor him earlier, during the mistakes of his youth? Or should I reserve judgment and honor him later? When every knee shall bow? I have to lean on God to honor my earthly father. I must plead for help, for I know I am still too young and inexperienced. Oh God! Help me! Help me with my obedience! Help me cast away the bitterness in my heart! Guide me to that forgiveness you freely offer!
I don’t always live up to what I am called to be. Truth be known, I struggle daily to find my way closer to God. I love Him and I want to know Him as well as He knows me. Then, I want to clip away the parts of me that are outside of Him. Like a paper doll overlay. I want to be cut exactly like Him. Possibly that is when I will be able to look at my earthly father and see what my Saviour may sees. The foundation to be authentically what He called me to be. Not just the seed, but my own tree.
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