The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
02/21/08
This would be good for teen groups to read.

I think a piece like this reads better in past tense; otherwise it sounds like you're just narrating. Can you find ways to show us Ellie's life? Give us dialogue, descriptions of her world of sight, sound, feelings?

You've definitely got the right idea--now figure out how to draw your reader in with strong, compelling words. Good job!
02/22/08
Oh, the trials of those teen years!
Be careful of switching your verb tense, from present (is,makes,etc.) to past (was, called, etc.)
I also would have liked to see a little more of a "bump" of a particular incident.
I liked the "BFF" part.
Keep writing.

I'm definitely no expert but I think it is better to spell out numbers rather than using the numerics.

In your second sentence, the "well, different" seems to me to be more conversational language than descriptive text. For me that kind of redirection can be a bit distracting. It might work better, since you have room in your word count to further explain why she was ,well, different.

The phrase, "gentle and polite gentleman" seems repetitive.

Keep up the good work and you'll improve!
Good story. You might consider having the story revealed through dialogue of characters rather than narrative. : )