The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
02/21/08
What a tragic, and all-too-common situation. Yet there is hope, and I'm glad you presented it.

Your dialogue sounds quite stilted in places--not like people actually speak. I'd recommend working on writing natural-sounding speech, and your writing will greatly improve.

Thanks for this entry!
Good job. Putting an extra space between paragraphs will help your readers. Also, a new paragraph should be started every time a different person speaks. :)
02/21/08
Very touching...so sad, yet a good ending!
It would help the reader if you leave a space between paragraphs. Break whenever a new person speaks or when there is a change of thought.
Good use of dialogue.
Keep writing.
02/22/08
A good piece. Polish this up using the suggestions listed abouve and it will be even stronger. Keep writing.
A moving story. Probably all too often true. Right on topic.
I have no other suggestions other than the ones already mentioned. Whitespace definitely helps the reader.

Your story addressed a very big problem that occurs all to often nowadays. I like how you offered some hope at the end. Isn't it wonderful that God gives us a second chance? :)
02/24/08
Nice title! I love this friend. She has very good advice. There are many errors in this piece. It would help if you got someone to proof for you. Keep on writing!
Laury
02/24/08
So true, we got to give it all to God and let it go.
Phil 4:5-7
6 Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your
needs, and don't forget to thank him for his answers. 7 If you do this, you
will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind
can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and
at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus
TLB
I like this piece. Great ending!

"I tell you, that’s exactly what he will do for you. Don’t waste your energy
dwelling on the past, rather let it be a stepping stone instead of a
stumbling block……”Ada nodded, wiping away the tears in her eyes."

"What has happened has happened. You can’t change it or turn back the hand of
the clock but you have the power to put it behind you and positively take
charge of your future by gracefully moving on."

Enjoy your gift and Keep in the Writing Lane. : )
God bless, Helen


02/27/08
I like the way you ended this piece with hope. Take the suggestions already listed to heart - they will help you! Good job!