Screaming at the Rain
I want to control what can’t be controlled. Brilliant. Sadie stifled a maniacal urge to bust out laughing. The fact that her therapist would be 150.00 richer in exactly fifteen minutes infuriated her. Forty five excruciating minutes had passed while phone calls and emails waited impatiently. She gave herself a gentle reminder; she was here for one reason and one reason only, Jason. The idea of twelve years of marriage walking out the door and never looking back drove her to this appointment; much as it drove her to the next question.
“What exactly do you mean by that?”
The impeccably dressed therapist took off her expensive spectacles and smiled, albeit in an irritating and patronizing way. Dr. Tate’s designer pump was perfectly crossed over its twin. There was no twitching or bobbing of the legs; nervous tendencies were probably against some secret code of shrinks. Sadie, on the other hand, was kicking her foot as if a tiny little doctor with a mallet was playing her knee like a xylophone. “Sadie, how long did you know your husband before you married him?”
She rolled her eyes. They had been over all this. “Three years.”
“And has he changed at all?”
She ran her fingers through her short blonde hair and shook her head. Sadie had gone over this a dozen times in this chair and a thousand more in her head. Jason was still the good old boy from South Georgia that she had fallen in love with at sixteen years old. His maturation into a loving husband and doting father was the only change.
As if the doctor could hear her thoughts, she said. “So, then what has changed?”
Sadie resisted the urge to bite through her bottom lip. Of course it was her. A fast forward version of the past played in her mind like a long forgotten play. From the first time she saw him stand up in front of the student body as president, she loved him. So when had she gone from butterflies in her stomach to straight up nausea when he walked into a room? In her heart, she knew the answer. Three years ago, when their youngest son had entered Kindergarten, she had begun working in corporate America. Jason had even agreed to leave their beloved hometown and move to a large city because of a promotion; her promotion. It only took one event to showcase that her husband simply didn’t fit in. His country drawl and proud unapologetic gut level honesty had stood out like fireworks on Easter Sunday. And she resented him for it. She wanted to change him. The idea now seemed nonsensical. A surge of emotion hit her like a tidal wave and Sadie felt the tears run down her cheeks. Was this was they referred to as a break through? She never cried. But Dr. Polished didn’t seem phased as she went to her desk and retrieved a tissue. Sadie took it, wiping away the tears, noticing the black streaks of mascara on her hand as she rubbed her eyes. “What do I do now?”
The good doctor crossed to her leather chair and sat. Sadie saw a hint of compassion behind the spectacles. “You stop screaming at the rain.”
Sadie’s eyes narrowed in confusion.
“What I mean is you can scream at the rain all day and it won’t stop until it’s good and ready. Only God can turn the tide of a storm. But if you sit and appreciate it for what it is, rain, even storms, can be glorious. You can’t change your husband, Sadie. And you’ve wasted too much time trying. Don’t get bogged down in what you perceive as perfection. Instead, celebrate who he is and who you are together.”
Sadie walked out of the glass double doors a different woman, and as she opened her umbrella to cover herself from the downpour that had started only moments before; she paused. And slowly, like the unveiling of the sun after a storm, she closed the umbrella and turned her face up into the rain. For the first time in forever, she saw the rain as a miracle. The smell, the taste, the sound, and the feel of the drops were overwhelming and delightful. It was then that she resolved to stop screaming and start singing.
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