The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
02/01/08
This was a very good story. One thing I would suggest is making your dialogue into separate paragraphs. It will make it much easier to read. I love the description of the friend asleep. Keep on writing!
Laury
02/02/08
Oooh, good one for teens to read and discuss, and perfect for this week.

About halfway through, you switched from past to present tense, slightly disorienting.

There sure isn't anything glittery about vomiting into a toilet bowl, is there? Good job!
02/05/08
I agree, this is a great piece for teens! The descriptions, the way you portrayed this, it was very real.

The You-are-there atmosphere was very good, just remember to start a new paragraph for each speaker.

Great writing!