The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
01/25/08
Very nice writing!! Good sentence structure and good ending!
Couple of suggestions - your POV shifted from each character - you might want to stay in the head of only one...and when you have quotations like this:

"My name is Bob," he said.

the comma is always inside the quotation marks whether single of double.

Hope this helps! You write well for a beginner!!:)
01/28/08
Right on topic! I like your title.
Good descriptions and dialogue.
Good job...keep writing.
01/29/08
Very realistic story line, and your message is SO true...though, this kind of pie is not on my diet plan. ;)
01/30/08
I totally agree. Every employer should first be an employee. Great writing. I like your creativity.
01/30/08
“Hey, you got time for lunch with your little brother today? We can eat in my office; I’ll be serving…humble pie.”

I loved the use of humour to show how the little brother had learnt his lesson.
Great story, an enjoyable read.
01/30/08
Terrific story employing the proverb. Good job.
01/30/08
You nailed the topic and characterizations. Good job!
Your story is very interesting. Doesn't humble pie taste terrible?
This was very good. I liked it a lot.
01/30/08
What a unique twist on 'humble pie'. It sure puts a new meaning to the phrase. I liked the realistic office setting, my only note was that Daneil seemed to have a very quick turnaround, it was good, and ended the story in time, but with the intesity of the emotions I saw building up in him, the end was a little 'smooth' where he just walks out, all humbled and invites his older bro to lunch. Otherwise, pretty good writing! ^_^