The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
12/06/07
Loved it! Great teaching. Well done.
12/10/07
Your character names really give your story an "air of authenticity". This line is great and had me smiling, "Titius chided as he suspected that he was not on the Rabbi’s Yom Kippur card list already." Your story is well thought out. Good writing!
12/11/07
I loved your dialogue. Very nice story.
12/12/07
RED PEN: I like the setting! There are nice touches that give the feel of those times. "...packed like galley oarsmen along the walls. "
There quite a few grammar errors and missing punctuation marks. (send me a personal message, if you wish)
It might have been easier to understand, if you came from just one person's point of view. There were a lot of characters to get to know.
This could be made into a longer, and very interesting story. I love Biblical historical stories.
12/12/07
Not a history buff, however you sure made it come to life which makes it much easier to read and get the point of the story.

Truly Blessed writing, keep it up!
12/12/07
Ouch, what a stinging truth at the end. I love your setup to that thought provoking question at the end. Good job.
12/12/07
Really nice ending here! I wasn't sure where it was going, but I liked the undertone of humor.

RED PEN: This sentence seemed awkward for me, I think a word was missing. "Archus flattered as those of a more technical bent admired the science."

Otherwise, good job!
12/12/07
You've presented an authentic setting with believable characters, plus you've send the readers a great lesson. Good job.
12/12/07
I really enjoyed this. I snickered over the touches of humor (Yom Kippur card list -in the days of scrolls, and acoustical technology) I didn't have any problem following the characters and it had a nice flow to it. Good job!
12/12/07
Awesome! I couldn't help but see the parallels to today -- the multi-million dollar church building programs, and the 'need' for the latest technical toys. I loved this line, “Why yes. It features the latest in acoustic technology. The high ceiling will carry your voice like the finest amphitheatre. Many more could benefit from your wisdom.” Archus flattered as those of a more technical bent admired the science. Ancient or modern?There is nothing new under the sun!
12/12/07
Contemporary issues in an ancient setting--you pulled it off very well.
You did a good job getting your message across in this historical piece. Keep writing!
12/13/07
***Congrats on your highly commended!***