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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Valentine (05/16/05)

TITLE: I gave you my heart
By Penny Baldwin


“Are those for the girl of your dreams?” Said the tall blonde haired lady in the sumptuous chocolate shop. Peter smiled shyly, putting his hand out to receive the box. Better hurry or I’ll be late, he thought as he drove down the road towards Sarah’s house

As he stepped out of the car it was five minutes to seven. He knew the time without even looking at his watch, having looked at it so many times.

The evening was spent at Sarah’s home, her parents wanted to get to know Peter a bit better. After an evening of laughter and old family photos of Sarah in her pink and yellow spotty costume, it was time for goodbyes. “See you again next week, Sarah” Said Peter with a broad grin, as he pulled off from the curb in his old dusty Ford. Sarah went indoors, saying to herself, “that thing needs a good clean and polish.”

Having spent the past couple of days in a daze Peter was bored. His father asked him to go and get some shopping. He was trying to make a chilli, and had run out of kidney beans and rice. “Alright dad, see you in a minute” Replied Peter as he ran up the path towards the car.

Minutes later, Peter’s dad answered the phone. “Are you sure? Alright I’ll be there in two minutes” Taking a deep breath, “ Lord I need your help” he said as he picked up the car keys.

Sarah looked bored, “I’ll take you out for a milkshake at McDonalds if you want,” asked her dad. “Well, okay then, I’ll go get my jacket.” Ten minutes later, on their way to get the strawberry milkshakes, Sarah thought she could hear a noise. A kind of slow seeping, and it seemed to be coming from the back of the van. “ She leaned forward to tell her dad about the noise, but it was too late. All of a sudden there was an almighty bang, the debris from the explosion was sent flying in all directions.

“I’m sorry sir, your sons not going to make it”. Doctor fondant was right; minutes later the machines connected to Peter had gone quiet.

Just along the corridor Sarah’s dad was leaning against the wall. He was okay, the gas bottle had been at the back of the van, and he’d survived without any serious injuries. Although the condition of his daughter was a very different matter, it wasn’t going to be good news. “If she doesn’t get a new heart soon, she won’t make it through the next twenty-four hours” Sarah’s dad grew pale. “I need a couple of minutes to grab some fresh air and pray about this”.

He had got halfway down the corridor before he recognised Peter’s dad. “Hi Patrick, Sarah’s not going to make it unless she gets a new heart” He had to tell somebody, to get his feelings out of the way “ I’m so sorry Simon, I didn’t know, I’m here because Peter was in an accident, and, ” Simon interrupts, “Is he okay?” “No,” Patrick pauses to get himself some kind of composure. “He’s gone, to be with, Jesus”, Patrick starts to feel his eyes welling up with tears again, “my little boy is gone.” Simon was just about to say something else when a well-rounded nurse, who was running up the corridor, interrupted them. She was looking flushed, “I know it’s not the best time, but…”

The bright theatre lights blare down on their seemingly hopeless surroundings. “Right let’s get on with this, it’s going to be tricky. I’m going to need all the help I can get on this one”. The surgeon looked off into the distance, as if he was talking to someone the rest of the team couldn’t see.

Peter was overwhelmed by the shock of seeing Sarah in the condition she was in.
“Are you sure she’s going to be okay?” He said. Turning to face the one he was standing next to. “Yes my son, she'll be just fine. You’ve given your heart to the girl of your dreams. Now you’ve come home to the one you gave your heart to first”.

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Member Comments
Member Date
Val Clark05/27/05
This is an intersting story and has lots of potential but... there are some flaws. I'd be happy to do a deeper (but not painful - sounds like invasive surgery) critique for you. Post me if you want one.
Lynda Lee Schab 05/27/05
Good effort. It's an intriguing story line. With a little work and editing, you could have an excellent short story.
Thanks for posting.
Blessings, Lynda
darlene hight05/27/05
Very nice entry! Love the take on giving his heart quite literally I might add ;)
Kris Hagel05/27/05
nice work.. I like the twist. yours is the best entry I have read so far.