The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
11/15/07
The progression of time and short, clipped sentences in the beginning really gave this the proper sense of urgency. Needs a couple of spelling corrections that spell check just won't catch "sweat" instead of "sweet" But you really communicated the visual image of the girl rushing to save her friend.

Keep writing!
11/16/07
Your pacing in this story is excellent. A few typos and some awkward phrasing. Fix those, and this will make a great story for teens.
11/19/07
This was great, the suspense and the action. I liked how she was there for her friend. A few tips-italics work really nice for thoughts ^_^ and try to make the dialouge sound more natural by saying it out loud before you type it. If it sounds awkward, it probably is. The sentence where Jen is telling everything that happened to her-it didn't read right, it sounded like too much to say in one mouthful. (It could just be me though.) Otherwise, this was good-and I really liked your title!
11/21/07
The basics of great story telling are here. Just a little more work on structure and such and you'll be blessing more than us here at FWs. God bless.
11/21/07
You've captured the intensity of a life/death situation. You leave the reader with a lot to think about. Very nice writing.
Your story grabbed me and held me tight all the way to the end. You show a great deal of potential. Keep on writing.
11/22/07
Wow. This is VERY powerful. Your fast-paced writing style fit perfectly with the story you were telling, and your descriptions were wonderful. This is REALLY good.