The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
11/01/07
Very moving, almost like a little slide show of these lives. I liked it, and I learned a bit of Pakistani culture along the way.

I'd use just three *** instead of the ~.~ you have between segments. There are some missing commas, and also some commas used where they're not needed.

It's difficult to pack so long a passage of time into 750 words, but you've done a great job of it here.
I enjoyed the way this story unfolded in "snipets" of conversation. I was confused about the time sequence. It would have helped to say in your first line something about her reflecting on the past, so the reader knew you were looking back from that moment. Nice job, and very creative. Keep up the good work!
11/05/07
I identified with this, having visited with missionary colleagues in the Sindh province of Pakistan a few years back. Well done.
11/09/07
Hi Shayne,
I had found you on faithwriters and read this and I absolutely love it! It's really an amazing story and it shows that God can really shine on anyone. Great job!

~Becky