The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
10/27/07
I love that both of these women were renewed. Enjoyed this!
10/27/07
It's true, the Lord can take the darkest soul and give it new light :) Thanks for this lovely story.
10/29/07
I love the way Jane leaned on the Lord for her words and responses. And your ending is one we all hope for when we're asking God to use us. He changes us in the process of changing others. Excellent piece.
10/31/07
This is a good story. You have some great character descriptions here.

You asked for ways to "move to the next level. One way would be to avoid obvious statments. For example, you wrote, "Jane watched and observed that Beth appeared apprehensive and yet ready to lunge and attack at any given moment." I would take out "Jane watched and observed" and have the description of Beth stand on its own.

Please feel free to PM me if you want a more detailed critique.
10/31/07
Good story line and plot development.

My suggestion for being able to move on to the next level would be to work on "showing, not telling." Do a google search on that phrase, and you'll find some really good examples of what that means.

Your writing mechanincs are absolutely fine--"showing" will enable you to punch it up a bit.
10/31/07
This is great! My only note is the quick shift in the beginning from Beth's eyes to Jane's POV. Otherwise, this is very good! I see a lot of potential here. ^_^
11/01/07
Good story telling here. Keep up the good writing.
11/07/07
Well written! You kept me captivated with your story. I especially like your ending.