Anna is sitting at her desk. Her pen having difficulty keeping up with her thoughts. Almost frantic she fills page after page after page, trying to get rid of the emotions inside of her. From her confused mind to the black ink of the pen so that she can throw it all away.
She knows she must pray but it’s as if God cannot hear her. Maybe He does not want to hear me, she thinks by herself. The words from her mouth just crash against the walls and falls to the floor together with the little faith she has.
Since she started to know God a few months ago and accept Him as her saviour, the joy of being reborn just overwhelmed her. To know God loves her and to know His got ‘n plan with her life is enough reason to rejoice every day.
She knows this but some days all the old feelings comes back. Like today.
That darkness, anger, hopelessness of not being good enough, not strong enough to cope with … well just anything!
Trembling she puts her pen down, she is not even writing sense anymore, its just words on paper, which is now running around in her tears.
What a mess, she thinks, looking at the notebook. Almost as bad as my mixed up mind. The thought made her cry even more.
She knows she is being silly and that the devil is whispering lies in her ear, trying his best to convince her about things she know is not true. She wants to shout at him to leave her alone but she feels so powerless.
Desperate she tries to pray to the Lord. Only a whisper passed through her lips ‘Please Jesus, help me, I cannot do this alone”
A Bible verse? She knows that one, what good is it going to do her. She needs real help, like a miracle or something. Guilty of getting angry at God she gets up. Whatever feelings she have now, the housework is not going to get done by itself.
Angry and frustrated she went around the house cleaning, her heart like lead in her chest.
Only later that evening, feeling a little calmer she remembers the verse and decides to look it up, even if she thinks she knows it.
Let us not give up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching
She sat staring at the verse, it’s so clear as if God himself read it to her.
“O please forgive me Father for not trusting You, for not listening, I thank You for Your patience with me”
Anna knew she got her answer, this was something that was yearning inside her for a while (apart from her other mixed up feelings which is now lying on a messy paper in her notebook.)
She does not have a lot of Christian friends, in fact, she only have one. Christi - who always wants to drag her to cell meetings - or whatever they call it. Spill all her feelings on the floor in front of people she does not even know and who will pretend they care. No thank you.
“Its not what its about Anna” Christi would say, desperately trying for her to understand “Christians should not be alone, and you don’t have to tell them anything, praying for each other and listening to other testimonies about God’s love will build your faith. Christian growth requires Christian companionship. Especially now in the beginning, being a Christian is not always easy. You need that, we all need it. Look, it even says so in the Bible
‘Let us consider how we may spur one another on towards love and good deeds Hebrews 10:24’
I’m not saying to look for God in other people, you will only be disappointed, and people are not perfect but so aren’t you. That’s why we all need Jesus. Please come”
She looks at her notebook again, how many times have she scribbled down feelings and emotions, that’s her way of dealing with problems, but it’s not enough. She stood up from where she was sitting and went to fetch Christi phone number in her handbag.
Today is Wednesday, tomorrow night they get together for cell meeting (or whatever they call it). She knows what she must do.
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