Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Worship (corporate) (10/04/07)
TITLE: My Spirit Poured Out
By Leslie Donnelly
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The demons were all around. My vision of my friends who tried to reach me and protect me from myself would come and go like the TV being turned from one channel to the next. I would open my eyes and see the demons and hear their horrific wailings. I would close my eyes and see the demons just as if I had my eyes open. They told me I would be better off dead and I wished that I would die instead of living the mental torment. Friends said I tried to beat them around the head shouting, “Get off. Get off.” Perhaps I was trying to beat the demons off of them, but this I do not remember. For over a week the taunting and the hallucinations persisted.
The fear that engulfed me during hallucinations and voices was bigger than my world. I was struck mute. For over a week I could not get my mouth to perform the words that my mind struggled to convey. Everyone lost patience with me and I was taken from one friend’s home to the next. No one wanted to call my parents since my childhood had been shadowed with physical and sexual abuse. Under the extreme mental torment, I came to believe that I had died and I was so devastated that I did not have angel wings.
During one of my trips to a friend’s house where I had been taken for the day, I prayed with a fever and intensity that was so immense I had no knowledge of where I was or what day it was. At small intervals the real world would come back to me in waves. No food or drink had touched my lips in days. How can you get a person who is fighting demons to stop and eat? Suddenly as I was standing in the living room, I saw a white light that erased all hallucination and vision. There was nothing but the light and I felt love from the light. I began to weep from relief and fell to my knees.
Out of the light, came Jesus in full armor riding a white horse. He carried a mighty sword. “Rise Up”, he said. As if my body was liquid, I rose to a standing position with no effort. However, my spirit was being poured out like water from a pitcher and I kept going from standing to on my knees touching my nose to the floor in one beautiful euphoric song. My body and spirit sang, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.” Jesus said one sentence to me, “You don’t have to die to know me.” I was rejoicing and praising him like I had never known to do before. This rejoicing was coming from my soul and the way I describe it is this. If I had to live a million years of sorrow to experience this love and euphoria again, it would be worth it.
Many years later, I am a mother and a wife. My medication is specific to my illness and no hallucinations have invaded my sanity in years. Was Jesus a hallucination? My belief is no. The perfect love of Jesus and the perfect peace of Jesus cannot be hallucinated. Perhaps the demons too were real because it says in Ephesians that we fight with the forces of darkness. My eyes and faith have been opened to the reality that mental illness is like walking between the worlds of this earthly reality and the spiritual reality. Satan and his army are real, but Jesus came to me as a warrior showing me that I too am a warrior. Now my worship is fired by the knowledge that Jesus left with me, I do not have to die to know him.
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