The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
09/23/07
This reads like a cinematic moment--I could see and hear every action.

I would have liked some explanation--how old is this boy? Why is he lost? How did he get there? Not knowing some of these things just sort of niggled at the back of my mind as I read, because I had to constantly shift my mental picture.

Good, terse writing in a voice that fits the situation.
You did a good job of describing the action and building the plot to its climax. I hope you keep writing, because your writing shows promise. Be sure to proofread your work, or else have someone proofread for you.
Not sure why you're nervous about what we'll say. Your writing is fantastic.

You held my attention the whole way through, you showed good judgment in word choice, the piece flowed, though a little background might have helped.

I really enjoyed reading this piece!
09/24/07
I was right there in the alley with him - great descriptions of the scene and the actions. A few minor technical things, but your writing is very good! And welcome to FW!
09/25/07
Welcome to FW! I agree with the other comments that you have a fine writing style. I was drawn right in to your story. Your descriptions are quite vivid, and you presented this topic with a unique voice. You only need to have someone else read over your entry, polish it up a bit, and you'll have a great first start! You did much better than I did on my first entry. I predict you'll really grow and learn here at FW!
09/25/07
Like the others said, you did such a good job for your first submission! Follow the advice you've been told: proofread! I too was confused by the age. When you say boy I was thinking seven or eight. But being able to stand up to a very large drunken man made me think he must be older. I also couldn't understand why he was in alleys. I thought he might easily find a main street to ask for help.

Your descriptions were wonderful, and you kept it flowing. Well done.
09/25/07
Absolutely amazing descriptions. You will do well here. Thank you for hinting!!
09/26/07
Excellent writing.. Loved all the descriptions, the tension, the drama... felt I was there at teh scene... thanks for your offering..