The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
09/13/07
This is a beautiful and warm story, I sat here with tears in my eyes reading. However, and his may be in disagreement with others here, I felt that the last paragraph, although meaningful and true to the core, simply did not fit with the rest of the story. I think the jump to directive second person is what bothered me the most; as the shift changed the story entirely. Definately, this is puppy material; but I will wait for others opinion on this.
09/13/07
I liked this a lot--even though it was narrative in style, I could well imagine Susannah and all the old folks.

I agree with Dub--your story spoke for itself, and did not need the little "lesson" at the end. You're a good writer--trust your writing to do its job, and you don't have to "tell us what you've already told us." Then you can stop your story at the point of greatest oomph.
I agree with the previous comments. Your story is warm. You do a good job of showing us how your character felt about the people. It bogged the story down to "tell" us in every paragraph with sentances like "all were precious in her sight."

Thanks for sharing your work.