The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
08/31/07
This was really good. I could feel the tension.

Try to get out of the passive voice. For example, in the first paragraph, you wrote "The sounds of running shoes stomped on the cobblestone street accompanied by the heavy breathing of the wearer." Try something like this instead. "The street was filled with the sounds of someone running. Shoes hit the pavement and heavy breathing pierced through the air." That's not the best example, but hopefully I was clear enough and you get the idea.

I loved how you made the end parallel the beginning, with the "orange glow" repeated. Great job. Keep writing.
09/01/07
You did a great job pulling the reader into Joel's world.

I agree with Allison about the passive voice. Stronger verbs create a greater sense of urgency.

Fantastic story.