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Yesterday, when I thought about today, this is not the picture that I saw. I believed I would be so much further down the road, reaping the efforts I have put into this dream of mine. You are the God of more than I can imagine or dare to hope; so please tell me, why does my imagination so outweigh my reality?
I did not pursue this lightly. I really prayed and sought you. I know that it is only in Your will that I can find my rest. So I did not rush off, I wanted to be sure this is what You wanted as well. I thought this was not just my dream, but our dream.
I fasted and got into your word, thirstily devouring the words You led Your anointed ones to write. I cried out to You to make Your way clear to me as I listened to all the contemporary preachers. I thought since my dream aligned with all I read and heard, I had Your approval.
I even sought out Your appointed elders in my church. Do You remember when I sat down with that dear servant of Yours as I poured my heart out while the worship team set up their instruments? We prayed together and believed. We thought this was Your set path for me.
My friends watched over my dream with me in prayer, and they joined me as I surrendered everything to You. All we were longing for was to see Your name lifted high and glorified. We thought You were going to grant me unparalleled success in my endeavours.
Yet here I am, my heart with footprints of disappointment left by my rapidly departing dream. And I do not understand how it could all have gone so wrong. Did I not seek You enough? Did I not pray enough, obey enough, have enough faith? I did everything I know to do – maybe it was not enough.
The hope You have birthed in me is too strong and real, and it will not let me wallow in this mire of self-pity. My heart is being tugged, by the beautiful melodies of Your song over me, into another exciting adventure. But how can I be sure it is really You this time? I am really scared that this new dream being conceived in me is all my imagination and that You have nothing to do with it. I am not sure I have the strength to start something that has the potential to be another disaster.
I do want to walk on water with You, and I know You will be waiting to catch me if I fall, but my Spirit is still shivering from the icy-cold waters that almost overwhelmed it. I am not as eager to get out of the boat, now that I know what it is like to almost drown.
Dear Lord, I am not doubting Your ability to lead, I am only questioning my capacity to follow close behind. I guess I am just confused because I now realise that I do not understand You as well as I thought I did. All I need right now; Father, author and perfector of my path; is Your peace.
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