I can’t do this anymore.
David burst through the front door with a face splitting grin. His eyes danced as he told her about his promotion. Pulling orchids out from behind his back, he said, “Time to plan our trip to Maui!”
Meg knew she should be excited, but wanted to cry. Great. Now, on top of everything else, she was supposed to plan a vacation. It was one more straw she didn’t think she could bear. She was about to break.
Meg had felt this day coming for awhile. She tried to avoid it, but couldn’t escape the feelings. She was lost. Empty. Confused. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Her life used to be filled with contentment. Joy. She longed to find that again.
Tears spilled down her cheeks. He is so happy and I’m about to tear him apart. David’s enthusiasm deflated at her sadness. She tried to turn away from his worried gaze. Maintain control. But, David took her in his arms. She knew he wanted to comfort her, to find out what was wrong. She couldn’t let him. You’re only making this harder. With tears in her eyes, Meg pushed him back. “I can’t do this anymore.”
David seemed confused. “Do what, honey?”
“I can’t live like this. Somewhere between all the diapers, meals, doing everything for everyone else, I lost me. I am so confused. I don’t know who I am.” She sobbed as she shared this revelation with the man she thought she would love forever. Now, she wasn’t sure she had those same feelings.
Meg watched his eyes take in the suitcase by the front door. The misery in his face pleaded with her.
“Megs, what can I do to help you?” asked David. “You know I love you. I’ll do anything to help you through this. Do you want to see someone? Maybe take a weekend trip with a friend?”
“I don’t know what I want. Or what I need. I just know I can’t be what everyone else needs.” She tried to hold back the tears. “I have to go.”
“Where? How long?”
She turned away from him. “I left the kids with the neighbors. You can pick them up there.”
She grabbed the suitcase and walked out the door. “I’ll be at my parent’s house…but please, don’t call me.” She looked back at David, standing on the doorstep. Tears slid down his face. “I’m sorry,” she said.
Watching her husband cry on the porch prompted Meg’s own tears to start anew. This would be so much easier if he would get mad. Scream. Yell. Something. She hoped she was doing the right thing. She felt so lost. Surely she had a right to find herself again. Didn’t she?
As she drove toward her parent’s home, she passed by the reader board at a small church. Blinking back her tears, she read, “Be still, and know that I am God.”
Meg laughed to herself, “Still? How can I be still? I have kids to chauffeur around, meals to prepare, church obligations. Lord, I don’t know what you expect from me, but I just don’t think I can live up to it. I’m running in circles. I’m tired.”
As Meg read the sign, she missed a car pulling out from the side street. The crash happened so fast. Her car spun around and flipped, landing upside down on the embankment. Meg’s eyes fluttered…then closed.
Her head was foggy, but she couldn’t escape thoughts of her family. Would she see them again? She felt such a deep desire to hold them. Tell them she loved them. Was she really leaving all that?
Trapped in the car, the verse played in her thoughts. “Okay God, you have my attention…I’m still.” As she prayed, the noise and distractions of her life left her. She let the stillness wash over her, it was beautiful. Peaceful. She could hear God whisper her name. My name. Confusion gave way to clarity. I’m not lost. I was looking for myself in people. Things. Not You. Help me to seek You.
Sirens pulled Meg from her prayer. She focused on opening her eyes. They weren’t cooperating. She heard someone speaking to her, asking questions. She struggled to respond. Only one thought came to mind.
“Please, call my husband.”
“Be still, and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10 NIV)
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