Bitterness filled the place where love use to be as I glance at man that I had shared a life with. He didn't look over at me, for he knew that the anger that I had was poison. How could he have done such a thing to our children and me? How could he have been so selfish to only think of himself and his needs? Now we stand in a place I promise myself that I would never be, a courtroom.
My husband, lover and pastor had betrayed my love, my trust, and the faith I had in him. I felt like such a fool telling everyone that our marriage was perfect when deep down I knew there were problems. He started working late at the church. When he had an engagement out of town, he didn't want me to go. I thought that was because he knew that I hated traveling, not that he had someone else.
The raged that I felt the day that I walk in on my husband passionately kissing another woman, I lost it. I don't mean I went running and crying from the room; I mean I took off my shoes and I started beating on him. The quite first lady was all over him and his woman. How could he do this and we were about to celebrate 25 years of marriage?
Tears roll down my face as I walked back to the car wondering what did I do. He was the love of my life, my high school sweetheart, my one and only lover. He took my heart that day and threw it into the trashcan and places the top on it.
As I began to pray and ask God for guidance after the divorce is over. He touched my heart and I could hear a small quite voice saying, unless you remove your angry from your heart, you never will be free. The pain that he cause you is nothing like the pain that Jesus felt on the cross. You have to forgive him and work things out.
"What!" I shouted out in the courtroom. People looked at me and were probably wondering was I crazy. I lean over and whisper in my lawyer ear that I had to talk to my husband.
The judge granted us a few minutes to talk to each other. I hadn't spoken to him since the day, I caught him.
"I know that I haven't talk to you and I'm sorry for that. I want you to know that today is a new day. I forgive you and I still love you," I said as tears rolled down my eyes.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't know what I had in you until we separated. You are my covenant partner for life. God has dealt with me and I know longer is the pastor of the church. I stepped down not because I had to but because I dishonor God and our marriage. God has brought me to a humbling place," he said with tears in his eyes.
"I am willing to try again, if you want to," I said not realizing the words were coming out of my mouth.
"Yes of course. I love you so much and I promise you that I'll never do anything to hurt you again," he cried as he hugged me tightly.
It was a new feeling that came over us; the weight of the world had been lifted off our shoulders. Anger can weight heavily on your life that you refuse to live it. Bitterness will grip your heart like ivy vines and contract until there is no place for love. But I am so thankful for the love that God showed us. His compassion for me even when I was wrong he spoke to me.
God would not allow me to be angry for life.
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