Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Angry (08/02/07)
TITLE: Get him away from me
By Day Kap
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I want to hit him, I don’t want him near me, I don’t want him in Burlington, let alone Canada! Maybe he should go to another continent and just stay there. How could he? I am angry at him for taking my dreams away from me. For not allowing me to grow old and happy with my very many children and grandchildren!
Not only did he deny me that dream, he had to crush my spirit as well in the process. He took me, vulnerable and needing to be loved, with somewhere to belong so badly – and trampled all over me! I was not beautiful enough, too short, not from a stable family, spoke too much, and came with a baggage. Then it was “I’m not ready for a relationship yet” to “I’m not ready to be a father yet” graduating further to “I’m not ready to settle down yet!” All the while I followed him around, like the desperate lost soul that I was. When he said “I found something in her that was lacking in you” to justify why he was cheating on me: I strived to change and acquire that missing element. He took me to his sister, 4 months pregnant and alone and she asked him “Are you ready to be a father?” and he said “No!” – The following week I walked into a back alley, lay on a bed and had an abortion. I walked out of that place, hating myself – just another person to be angry with! I’m sorry Lord.
The struggles, the other women, the disrespect, and the control – “Don’t tell your sisters about us, my parents keep their lives private!” And “My friends say there’s probably another reason why you spend so much time at church – and it’s not God”; I stopped going to church. But I wanted to get married so badly. I wanted to have my own babies, husband, home and life – so I tried to change. The more I tried, the more he laughed, scorned and disrespected me. Girls calling for him at home – God showed me His mercy and I got pregnant – again.
He would lock me out of the house; I’d sit outside crying and asking God why? Then the emotional abuse; I had no self esteem or dignity left. Pregnant and sleeping on the floor while he slept on the bed because he had kicked me out. Finally leaving me at 5 months pregnant: for his family to continue the abuse. Could the nurses that took care of me have had been family friends? The gynaecologist was his sister’s – he sewed me up without anaesthesia after giving birth – then when I got septic he tore me up again and told me to leave. My own doctor had to take me in to sew me up again months later. Coincidence? Only God knows!
Crying out to him “Why won’t you love me?” pathetic! “Love is not begged” he would respond. To his sister “You are my sister, I just want him to stop disrespecting me” and her response “I’m not your sister, I’ll never be your sister – sometimes I wonder how my brother will live with you” Oh but the pain.
After all these years, I have had to learn to love myself again. I’m not all the way there yet. I have learned to Trust God – and to Look to Him for Love and Acceptance. He has been healing me – piece by piece.
Then he came again – now wanting to be a father to a 6 year old boy. How dare he? I don’t want him around God! I don’t want him to mess up my son’s life – teaching my son to be abusive and disrespectful to women. What if my son stops loving me? What if he in turn turns around and hates me too? I am so angry God. I don’t want this man in my life –after all he has done to me!
Funny how now he sees me and claims to want me. But I say – my breasts and stomach are hanging – he says just tuck them in! He says he’s a changed man – well so am I a changed woman. And this woman won’t allow herself to be mistreated again!
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