The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
08/02/07
I like your beginning very much--the list of camping supplies in short, choppy fragments is an effective hook.

This could benefit from a closer read with an editing eye--there were a few mechanical errors that slightly detracted from the overall impact.

Tender and touching message, shared by all parents at one time or another. Nicely done.
08/06/07
The beginning of this is great. The "shopping list" approach works well.

Next time, try putting an extra return between lines. It makes things easier to read.

I loved the overall message, and you captured the mother's feelings well.
08/08/07
A good description of how the mother felt. Nice job.
08/08/07
That is sad. I could feel the mother's ache over the thought of one day packing just for two instead of her 'whole family'. Good job and nice title! ^_^
08/09/07
Great detail - and you certainly "pegged" the topic. :) I was a bit distracted by the characters not having names, but that could just be me. Nice writing!