The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
08/02/07
I like the idea of falling into a pit...and then the great contrast at the end to being with the King (of all kings?) It could be helpful to add some more concrete things for a reader's mind to grab onto, and periods to seperate thoughts.
08/03/07
I liked the ending. He is waiting for all of His children to find saftey in Him.
08/04/07
Nice allegory.

Your sentences are very long and complex, and your use of comma splices sometimes causes the reader to get lost in the maze of each sentence.

This is worth editing and expanding.
08/04/07
You create a lot of great imagery. I suggest breaking up your articles with much shorter sentences and with several paragraphs.
08/05/07
I agree that the sentences are too long but there are many well-written images here that are worth reading. I suggest some spacing and some shorter sentences. I look forward to reading your future work
08/06/07
This is like a very detailed painting. You chose such unique words which helped draw the reader into the depth of the story. Great job!
08/08/07
Almost poetic, and I liked the title. Although a bit hard to read without paragraph spacing etc, it still drew me in. I felt her pain, and her relief when she came through.