She felt like screaming, screaming as loud as she could. Maybe it would help some of the anger and sadness disappear. She was angry at herself, at the day, at nothing and no one in particular. She could feel the hot, hard ball of anger tightening in her chest, pushing at the walls until she felt like doing something, anything to ease the tension of it. She wanted to scream, to cry, to hit something or someone. Sometimes she hated herself, wanted to punish herself for being so stupid, so insensitive.
The road in front of her was a blur, the trees nothing more than blobs of color as she flew by. She knew she should slow down, should pay more attention to where she was going, but she wanted to get away, run away.
Sometimes she wished that she could keep going, keep driving until she was so far away that she would never have to deal with any of them again. She couldn’t though, had no way of leaving, no where to go. So what if that made her a coward, she would be far better off without having to feel accountable for anyone, to anyone. She couldn’t even be responsible for herself, let alone anyone else.
Reaching up she swiped at her face, wiping at the tears she hadn’t known were there until now, realizing as she did that her hand was shaking. Her whole body was shaking and she drew in several deep, calming breaths. She hated feeling this way, feeling anything at all to be honest. It was easier to deal with her life if emotions weren’t involved, if she was hollow inside. That was how she liked to keep things when they involved to her family. There was to much hurt, to much pain to allow any slips, any signs of weakness.
The old mantra her mother used to say echoed in her head, “Family is a bond that can never be broken, remember that Kate.” Will it was too late, much too late for that. It was broken, more like smashed to smithereens, disappeared like it had never existed.
Fresh tears filled her eyes, if only her mother were still alive, things would be so different. Her family might actually be that, a family and all this hurt, all the pain wouldn’t exist.
She slowed down to take the turn onto her street she was almost home, almost safe. She wanted to stay there until it didn’t hurt every time she took a breath, until she could lock the pain back away. Back where it belonged.
Pulling into her driveway, she pushed the gear stick into park and just sat. She felt drained, empty, all the anger washed away with the few tears that had managed to slip through. In its place she felt a deep sadness. She missed her mother more than words could say.
Her throat clogged at the thought of all the tomorrow’s that her mother would never get to share. It wasn’t fair. Not fair that they all had to go on without her.
She brushed at the tickle on her face realizing that she was crying again. Oh how she wished that she could change so many of her yesterdays. If only her mother knew how much they all missed her.
Crying softly she asked, Why God? Why did you take her? We need her so much. Breath coming shakily she sat for a long time heart aching as the air inside the car grew cold. She knew that her mother was in a much better place, would never know sadness or hurt again. Only happiness, only joy, and that was one of the only things that comforted her.
Her eyes feeling swollen and gritty she reached for the door handle as the soft scent of lavender drifted past her nostrils. Sitting motionless she smiled sadly it seemed as if for a moment, a brief moment her mother was there. Trying to soothe her, tell her she was loved tell her things would be okay. She felt peace steal over her soul and heard a faint whisper, ‘Peace, be still.’
Kate stared through the windshield as gentleness softly, settled inside. Knowing that only God could help her start to repair the damages done in her family. Knowing that her mother was safe in the arms of Jesus and they were waiting for the day. The day they would all see each other again.
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