It seemed inevitable the Sunday’s Spegi would bring his unsaved friends to church; dad would preach on tithing and in their absence, he’d preached on edification.
An agonizing voltage in Spegi’s mind flashed back on last Sunday’s episode – then, it was Jim’s season of anomy. As he sat, his thought traveled as far back as 15th century.
Jim barely survived a terrorizing car accident, his legs at the mercy of crotches.
His scan-jet eyes romanced the interior – cracked plasters waved at him, a chipped worm-eaten pulpit, and burned-out light bulbs too. Rickety pews and benches on the floor while dog-eared bulletin lay in the bosom of hymnal savoring its comfort.
Great silence as thunderstorm engulfed Jim; an intimidating yet suffocating temperature made it a little worse. A tiny fuzzy from the background like Calvin’s Geneva Jigs.
Finally, he sat near the window with dusty glass, tattered curtains, and rusty windowpanes. An unfamiliar usher, unusually tall, ugly and had a goatee, came by, gave Jim a stomach aching smile but said nothing. Jim either.
Soon, a poor-looking being on a Shakespearian costume crawled to the pulpit. The sounds he made were no different from a funeral dirge anthem with obscured lyrics like “Cherubim and Seraphim,” “Jehovah Jireh,” and the “Balm in Gilead,” which sounded like enchantment of terrorists to Jim.
The leader gambled from Kentucky bluegrass music to Milwaukee Polka, to Chicago blues, to Dixieland jazz, and to Nashville country. He soon varnished.
Dad, thinking he was being friendly said, “If you are a visitor please stand.” Immediately Jim began dying a million dead.
In retrospect, the old members were to stand, and sing a welcome song to them! As they rose, they stood a bunch of big fat Fannies by Jim’s side – front, back, left and right.
Then they began to chorus with thick undefined melodies, “We’re so glad to have you here… so great to have you near…” Jim was melting on his seat; being earth quaked as he almost died on the spot! He never expected he’d be sung to as a stranger! He felt ashamed, nervous, and itchy.
Afterwards, pastor began to preach,
“Someone open and read Psalm 58:6-10 for us quickly,” he said, pulling his goggles, ogled around; his eyes acknowledged Jim. “You there, read please,” he pointed an arrow finger towards Jim.
Jim knew not what to do.
“We have a pagan here who doesn’t know the bible.” said the pastor, and then made to read from his,
“Break their teeth in their mouth, O God...like a snail which melts away as it goes, may they not see the sun… when they bath their feet in the blood of the wicked.”
For the next forty-five minutes, pastor parried about the facts that “Jesus walked upon the sea; changed water into wine; and fed 5,000 men with five loaves of bread and two fishes.”
As a scientist, Jim knew this were natural impossibilities. He knew a man’s weight was greater than upthrust; barely could become wine by fermentation; five loaves of bread could satisfy at most six men, and not the other way round.
Consequently, Jim gave up the search. Then sleep took advantage of that, crept through the back door unnoticed, wedged an attack, grabbed him on the waist and threw him in a sudden dungeon of slumber. He was however, held captive for fifteen minutes.
Soon, half the congregation bowed too.
Devastated to the brinks of uneasiness, pastor Festus screamed, “Sit up everybody.” The treat in his voice woke everyone except Jim who was deeply snoring in round three – a thick cod of spittle railed down his chin.
“If you want to go to hell, stand up” pastor Festus devised.
Jim unaware of what the pastor had said jumped on his fleet as though in a mortal combat – he had heard “hell” and assumed the pastor said, “If you want to go to hell sit down.”
Everyone sited. He remained standing. Spegi wrote on a paper, “Dad said if you want to go to hell stand up,” and passed it on to Jim who in the same pace devoured its contents.
“Well pastor, I know I’m standing and destined for hell, but remember that you, the ushers, greeters, are standing too; will you go to hell with me?” Jim spotted, hoping to make a point, but then he knew how embarrassed he was, so too was the pastor and Spegi nonetheless.
Quotation from “NKJV”
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