The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
06/01/07
Very touching story! You have some good descriptive phrases, such as "There is no more food, and the water tins are dry like my throat." I also like the line " I think the monster in my stomach scared him," refering to the white bird being frightened by the rumblings of her empty stomach. I would suggest, though, that you divide your story up into more paragraphs for easier reading. I like the happy ending to this piece! :)
06/02/07
Your narrator has a very compelling voice. With a few easy edits, this piece would be hauntingly beautiful--just take a closer look at paragraphing and punctuation.

Good job at communicating the hoplessness as it turns to hope, and with the symbolism of the white bird.
This is a lovely piece. I ditto both comments above. I would have perhaps liked to know by the end of the piece where he came from. Very, very nice.
06/04/07
Wow, nicely done.