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A skit on political correctness
Scene: A group therapy room with attendees sitting in a semi-circle with labels that the audience can clearly read. These include:
• Noel “The Czar” Chasm
• Mona di Presti
• Juan Grianagro – bald, stressed
• Drew R Blanc – in drunken daze
• Charlotta Phobia - constantly fidgets nervously, reacts to negatives etc
Enter the facilitator, a cheezey, anxious-to-pleasey person, bearing the label:
Ms. Polly “Tickle” E. Kreckte.
Polly: (sits) Good Morning! Hullo, all you wonderful persons, you! Welcome to your first, thrilling group therapy session! They call me Polly “Tickle” (Giggles and uses fingers as quotation marks) E, Kreckte.
I’m your happy facilitator! That’s sort of like a chairperson.
(Noel puts up hand) A question! Yes, Noel?
Noel: I have a problem with that word, Ms. Tickle! I think PerSON is sexist!
Polly: Oh! I had never thought of that! Let’s say: PerCHILD!
Noel: You can’t use that! That’s encouraging the generation gap!
Polly: Why, you’re right! Very observant of you, Noel! Perhaps we should say: PerHUMAN!
Noel: Uh..uh! (Shakes head) Per huMAN is also sexist! Furthermore, the animal liberationists will be deeply offended!
Polly: Oh dear! Can’t have that! Let’s just stay as a facilitator then!
Now … It’s important to remember, for the success of this session, that there are no such things as problems here – only solutions! So let’s begin by identifying each of our – er – our particular journey to our particular solution, hmmm? Now, who shall be the fir… oops! I mean, the initiator of our discussion?
Mona: (Italian accent optional, negative manner manditory) Well, what’s so good about the morning, anyway, for a start?
Polly: Oh Mona, dear! Are we experiencing some Gauntley’s Inverted Exhilaration Graph Peaks today, are we?
Juan: (Spanish accent optional) We have been waiting for a whole 30 seconds for this session to begin! Don’t you know I’m a busy man? You’re wasting my time!
Polly: Oh, please do excuse my slightly punctuality-challenged behaviour. One must fortify one’s inner being with a delicious café du couleur before sessions, you know!
Noel: (aside to Drew) I expect that’s a black coffee. Mustn’t offend our non-Caucasians!
(Drew hiccups loudly in response.
Charlotta, startled, squeaks in fear and jumps up, knocking over her chair, bumping Juan.)
Charlotta: What was that!
Juan: You clumsy woman! You made me drop my stress beads!
Polly: Oh please! Please! Charlotta was only exhibiting some uniquely coordinated behaviour.
(Drew hiccups loudly again, and then collapses on the floor.)
Juan: (Disgusted) He’s drunk! What’s he doing here? I bet he’s an alcoholic!
Polly: Oh no! You mustn’t use such judgmental terms, Juan dear! He’s an anti-sobriety activist! And he’s merely rationing consciousness! It’s OK!
Mona: He’s just like my lousy husband! He’s dirty,…!
Polly: (nervously) Shouldn't you say: hygienically challenged, surely..?
Mona: …Lazy!..
Polly: (desperately) You mean: energetically dormant, dear!
Mona: ..and a thief!..
Polly: You rather should say a Possession Relief Officer! It sounds so much better!
Mona: ….And he’ll end up in the slammer, for sure!...
Polly: Oh, I’m sure he will never become a client of the correctional system!
Mona: Either that or…
Polly: (Hands covering her face, horrified) No! No! Please don’t say it! Not as a Permanently Static Post-Human Mass, in a state of negative patient-care outcome! That would be the least-best scenario!
Juan: (addressing Mona) Really! Well what do you expect? I bet that all you do all day is gripe (with a glance at Polly)- er - offer positivity-challeged suggestions to him and - er – get Melodramatically Fixated! And you're a Medication Continuity Specialist as well!
Noel: (aside to audience) A Crack addict that watches Soap Operas!
Polly: (to Juan, approvingly) Very good! Very therapeutic!
Mona: (Jumps to her feet and angrily confronts Juan) Yeah? Well who do you think you are? You Follicularly-Challenged, Nondiscretionary Fragranced, Non Vegetarian-Based Breakfast Primary Source!
Noel: She’s lost me there!
Charlotta: (jumps up and begins to stumble toward the door) Oh! Oh! I can’t stand it here any longer! Bad vibes! Bad vibes!
Polly: (Following her out) But, wait, Charlotta darling! This is healthy! An honest expression of feelings, and no minority groups are offended!
Drew: (Sitting up) Hey! Uh… Whass going on here!
Noel: Well! Well! I believe he’s Temporarily Metabolically Abled after all!
Drew: (to Noel) Who’zat chick that come in before?
Noel: I think she said she was “Politically Cracked.”
Copyright © 2007
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