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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Write in the HUMOR genre (04/12/07)

TITLE: "Giants In The Land"
By Frank Salerni


“Giants In The Land”

As Christians we are constantly facing battles in this world that engages us to fight the good fight, and watch out for number one (self). I cannot deny that even with my eyes wide open I often stumble into a pit.

Television, radio, even billboards suggest that we are not perfect. If I compare myself to the models in these advertising schemes directed at my inability to match perfection I am doomed.

My hair is too thin; my skin has blemishes, my clothes are too wrinkled, too dingy, too out of date, and my body… oh, my poor, helpless, ancient, tired, decrepit, excuse for a human being, unable to think, get out of my way and make room for the beautiful people, body is totally useless in this worldly age of earthly perfection.

I am a fatty. Undisciplined in every way. Department stores love to see me coming. I am an easy target for them to charging more for a XXL size shirt that the “normal” size.

Answer me this. Yes, it is true that it takes more material to produce the extra inches in my clothes, but why then does a string bikini cost 80 bucks. Not to mention the fact that if you get it wet, what ever you do don’t put it in the dryer.

Why does my selection of clothes in the department store come in only two colors, or two patterns? And they are ugly at that! Give the fat guy the leftovers… he’s use to it.

His belly is forty-two inches so let’s give him the same neck size.

Ok, I admit I’m large. Does that give airlines the right to put me in the middle seat between two Samoans? Or place me in a restaurant at the end booth where the tabletop almost touches the backrest of the seat? Gee, I just love to sit down on the seat of a racing bike. Talk about an atomic wedgey.

This skinny advertisement conspiracy has me duped. Ladies, you have your Barbie, but us guys have our Ken.

I wasn’t even skinny out of the womb. (Sorry Mom).

I have many complexes to work out. I shouldn’t have to feel like if I go to the beach I’m the only one who can get a tan, because everyone else would be laying in my shade.

I fear walking too close to the front of a drive-in theater in a white T-shirt, because they may start the movie on my back.

I don’t want to be eleven-foot tall in order to be proportionately the right height for my weight.

By this time you may be thinking, “Do something about it!” So, I did.

My wife weighs 114lbs. I decided, “Honey, I only want to eat exactly what you eat right down to the size of your portions.” After that miserable failure I had to quit. I gained 20 lbs.

I’ve learned to hate the expression slow metabolism. That’s what led me to eat fast food.

I’d never go on a cruse ship vacation for fear that they would only give me a center cabin to evenly distribute the weight.

Why God? Why would You put me through this dilemma?

I was asked to participate in paint gun war games, but I had to decline. Both sides want me to be on the opposing team so all they had to do to eliminate me was to aim toward the north and fire.

God, I can’t wait till I get to heaven and receive my new body. I don’t know what happened. Maybe I misread the bible scripture, “Wait on the Lord” with “Weight on the Lord.”

I do have my moments of revenge.

What a joy it is to see the fear on the faces of all the staff members as I approach the local “All you can eat” buffet. The owners must groan as they hold their heads and say, “No profit today.”

Oh well, if I’m going to stumble and fall into a pit, I can only hope it will be… a BBQ pit!

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Member Comments
Member Date
Jacquelyn Horne04/19/07
Sometimes, taking a good "laugh" at ourselves helps us through life. If you are actually the narrator here, you did a good job of humor at your dilema. I especially liked the fact that you gained 20 pounds eating what your wife eats. Isn't that the way of it? Good job.
Bryan Coomes04/19/07
This was rather entertaining as I did find myself laughing out loud at more than a few comments. This world certainly is vain and its idea of perfection is so opposite of the True measure of Perfection.
Jan Ackerson 04/19/07
I feel your pain, pal, I"m right there with ya.
Brenda Welc04/20/07
I especially liked the part about fast food since I work at McDonalds! We are who we are and God accepts us for whatever shape we are. It's the spirit that counts! Keep writing and sharing yourself with others!
James Wood04/20/07
Good honesty, and it tells a story to the reader. However, the syllables in your sentances are "stumbly", if you understand me. They do not flow as well as they should. I would strongly suggest that you force yourself to write poetry in iambic pentameter once a day, following all the rules of alliteration and meter. It will sharpen your syllabic skills.