The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
04/19/07
Interesting! Good last (punch) line.
04/20/07
This is a creative recreation of a biblical character and story. Writing in the first person present tense adds to the immediacy of this piece but watch out for the times when you stray to past tense. Last line made me smile.
04/20/07
Nicely wriiten. You really caught my attention!
04/20/07
Clever idea, good kicker.

A few formatting things to make this easier to read: start a new paragraph with each new speaker, and instead of the long line separating "scene changes," consider just three centered asterisks.

Nice job of inserting gentle humor into a familiar Biblical situation.
04/20/07
Well done. You don't strike me as a beginner. I would suggest you pay attention to the dangers of redundency. You repeat certain words from sentence to sentence, where a pronoun would work better. Kudos!