The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
04/26/05
I enjoyed your story. Your descriptives are good and you have talent as a writer. Just a few suggestions: try not to use the word "was" so much. You might want to try something like this instead.

Puzzled by this sight, Rona wondered what these people had to be thankful for?

Instead of: "Rona was puzzled. What did these people have to be thankful for?"


"She had so much more than them and she was not happy."

Instead, "She had so much more, yet she still couldn't find happiness.

"When she reached the restaurant Philippe was waiting for her."

Back at the restaurant Philippe sat waiting for her.

I'd say Jesus is working on her...good write.
I really enjoyed reading this! I love the discriptions.
Wendy gave some great ideas. The hardest thing about writing in the beginning is working to simplify and avoid using common words over and over.

But having said that, what a great job you did in letting the reader see this person from the inside out. You took us into her world and the superficality she was surrounded with. The gradual way you lead her to the church, and I liked she didn't go in, as that would have been to simple. Instead you kept us interested as we ached for her lonely heart. I thought the last paragraph where we see her inner thoughts very well done. Though her world would not change, you left us with the impression that she had changed something deep inside of her. Well done.
04/29/05
Very good descriptive story. The last paragraph left the reader wondering would she really give up the material and find the spiritual to fill the hole in her heart.
I liked the ending of not knowing. This leaves room for another story?

05/01/05
Very impressive. I agree; with just the teensiest edit, this is a wonderful story with an excellent finish. I loved the descriptions.
05/02/05
well done madonna, a good write. love the story. you have a great talent for the telling of tales...keep it up. blessings kazza...