(With a nod to C. S. Lewis)
Lucifer and his minions were having one of their frequent strategy meetings. A fawning, eager demon prostrated himself at the cloven feet of his lord and croaked out his newest idea.
“What we need, sire,” the demon said, “is a way to usurp one of their holidays. Too many holidays are dedicated to the worship of…well, of You-Know-Who.”
“Interesting idea, Mudgroveler,” growled the Prince of Darkness. “Tell me more!”
“Well,” stammered Mudgroveler, “I was thinking about…about…” He could barely utter the word. “About Thanksgiving, sire.”
Lucifer shrieked. “Thanksgiving! I hate that word! All of the pitiful followers of You-Know-Who being thankful to Him on one day! And do you realize that some of those idiots are actually thankful to Him for adversity? They should be cursing Him, but instead they’re actually thankful!” Lucifer calmed himself, and with a sizzle, sank deeper into his seat. “All right, Mudgroveler, I’m listening. What can we do to take over…that day?”
“I’ve got a list here, sire. Shall I read it to you?”
“Be quick about it!” spat Lucifer.
Mudgroveler clutched his parchment and continued with his sniveling. “First of all, let’s take advantage of the fact that…that Day…is usually celebrated with a meal. We could shift the focus away from You-Know-Who and onto the meal itself. People will want to make the meal bigger and more elaborate. It could become a veritable orgy of gluttony!”
Lucifer sneered. “Very good…and we could even get people to start calling it Turkey Day instead of…that other word. I like it! What else do you have?”
Mudgroveler, encouraged by the enthusiasm of His Royal Sulfurousness, continued with his list. “We probably won’t be able to entirely do away with the element of…” He gagged for a moment. “Pardon me, sire, of thankfulness. But if we just make it easier for people to be…thankful…to other PEOPLE, or to luck, or even to thank themSELVES, it’ll take the focus off of…You-Know-Who.”
“Brilliant! I have lots of entertainment industry people in my service. I’ll get them to really push that SELF angle. Keep going, Mudgroveler.”
“Finally, sire, I think we should do whatever we can to discourage family unity on that day. Let’s really play up the football angle, and also take advantage of hunting season. If we can drive a wedge between husbands and wives, they won’t have so much to be…(cough)…thankful for.”
Lucifer rubber his clawed hands in glee. “Yessssss! I love it when there are resentful people in a house, working hard, when others are passed out from their own gluttony and slothfulness. Mudgroveler, you’ve outdone yourself. I believe there’s a fresh soul out in the portal. You’ve earned a bonus—go gnaw on it for a while.”
As Mudgroveler rushed out to claim his prize, Lucifer sat in thought. “It just might work…it COULD work…the only defense against this plan is if HIS followers go out of their way to take the holiday back and claim it as their own. But will they do it? Nah…”
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