The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
03/08/07
All too true - how quickly they grow up.
Technically, I'd suggest shorter sentences.
The ending was particularly strong.
Very nostalgic thought here. Been there/done that! Nice memory maker, shopping.
03/14/07
A sweet story and very nice. I would also suggest some paragraphs here. Nice work
03/20/07
Jessica, this was one of those "awww" type entries that will appeal to people just like me. My daughter got married last year, and she still loves her "Mummy and Kylie" days (her name for them). We spend most Mondays together, usually having lunch at the shops and looking around. I hope you'll always have those special times with your daughter.

From a Challenge perspective, there was one thing that really let your lovely entry down - and that was a lack of punctuation. The first sentence is a classic example:

"Some call it a passion I think of it more as a monthly expense that well at times can be very satisfying and at others..."

As a writer, you have to direct each sentence so that the reader knows exactly when to pause or break, and how to interpret what you mean. Without punctuation, the reader is left floundering to make sense. They often work it out, but sometimes they get it wrong, and then it leaves them confused. The sentence would have been really clear if you had written it like this:

"Some call it a passion. I think of it more as a monthly expense that, well, at times can be very satisfying, and at others..."

If you wait a day or two after writing your entry, and then go back and read it out loud (even if you feel a bit silly doing it - wait until everyone is out of the house), making sure that you notice where you naturally feel inclined to pause or stop. Use that to help you work out where the punctuation should go. You'll get it, I know, and when you do, your writing will take a giant leap forward.

I'm looking forward to seeing that happen.

With love, Deb (Challenge Coordinator and Editor, FaithWriters' Magazine)