The Official Writing Challenge
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This is very good! I could feel the agony of waiting right along with you, and you did a great job of showing us the lesson that you learned without preaching it at us. Nicely done.
Yes. This was a good read. I liked the subtle way you brought our heavenly father into the picture. Sometimes, God says, "wait."
Great POV and a good job of keeping the suspense as the MC had to wait. Good job tying the message into the story.
A good story and a good lesson for all of us anxious moms. Very well done.
This started out like a typical sports story but gained a lot of texture when it developed a crisis. That's an excellent way to engage your reader. Perhaps you could indicate with a "teaser" that the day would hold much more than you imagined. That would engage your reader, early on. You did a good job of adding fresh insight, from your father saying, "Just wait," to God saying, "Just wait," along with the necessity to trust. This could be a good devotional on waiting on the Lord.
Just excellent - you built the suspense expertly, and I was completely engaged. Great lesson, without being preachy.
Oh, so many lessons weaved into one story here. The "just wait" message, and the part about temporary pain for eventual healing. One thing that confused me a bit is when they called them and the dad said only one of them should go. I got the feeling that they were already at the hospital at that point (like they didn't know they were attending the game), so I was confused when she was in the ambulance with him. But other than that, this was great. I really enjoyed it.
Wonderful! I was dying to go down, too--just waiting is SO hard and this was an excellent story to convey that lesson. Good job!
I thought this was pretty good, you did a good job with showing a tough lesson (patience) and keeping it interesting and suspenseful. I was with you all the way! One little trival thing-you mentioned on the boards that this was a real experience-were you using real dialouge? If not, in the beginning you mentioned it was a high school football game. Talking from experience, I don't know how many high schoolers would say "Mommy" even under extreme circumstances. Just my own opinion though. Nice writing! ^_^
For anyone reading these comments, I wanted to answer the question asked by S. Harricharan, because I probably would have asked the same question myself. Yes, this did actually happen, and yes, my high school football player son did call me mommy. The observation that the dialogue didn't seem to fit the character's age was very appropriate. But in this particular case, the real life dialogue didn't fit the character's age either. I guess sometimes real life makes less sense than fiction.