The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
02/09/07
I've read this one several times now--there's something very compelling about the writing--but I have to admit that I'm a bit "at sea." I really don't get what is happening here. Perhaps I'm dense...I did notice two instances of "pulsating gloom", perhaps a bit much for such a short piece.

I really like your writing style, regardless of my confusion.
I assume that Joe went "fishing" as you poured his ashes into the water. I'm not sure here. You need to "picture" this event more with words. But I really liked the piece. It's a good thought and well written, just lacking a little clarity.
02/12/07
I love the beautiful, vivid descriptions in this story! My favorite lines: the fog's "icy fingers trailing wet tears across my cheeks" and "cold fog licking our faces, tasting our tears." Also enjoyed the alliterative words like "gasping" and "gulping."

I was a little confused about where the priest was--in the boat, or did that service take place before Joe's body was carried out to sea? Perhaps one line making clear a transition from one place to another, or else revealing everything happening in one place, would be helpful.

I could feel with the mourners--the fog fit the story's mood beautifully! Also liked the title including a personal name--that always sparks my curiosity!