The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
You gave a lot of information here:) And have a great story line. Something that might help the story would be to start with a shorter more strinking opening paragraph - then go into the details. Also abit of dialogue would break it up some and show more than tell - finally, try giving your ending abit more punch too:) You have a lot of talent for telling a story rich in detail - you only need to do some work in a few places to make a richer story:)