Iím writing to tell you things Iíve had on my heart for a long time. I have a hard time communicating them to you in person so feel I must put them on paper. As you know, expressing myself is much easier when I write. I donít want to hurt you, I know you love me in your own way. But there are situations from the past that I havenít completely let go of. Iím not sure you have either.
Iím really trying. Iíve been talking to God about it and Heís teaching me forgiveness. It still hurts though. Even though Iím a grown woman now, sometimes I still feel like a child inside. I ache over the past. God is healing me, day by day.
Remember when you and Daddy were still married and we were a family? I miss those days. God was the center of our family back then. What happened Mama? Why did you leave me and Daddy? Why did you leave God? I think your leaving caused me to stop believing in Him for a long time. My whole world was shattered and I was very bitter. I blamed you first, then Him. The emptiness in our house was unbearable. I missed you. The Ďyouí that used to pray with me every night at bedtime. The Ďyouí that told me Jesus is our very best friend when I was sad that my friend moved away. The Ďyouí that He created you to be.
Where did you go, Mama?
When you left with that other man I thought Daddy would die of grief. Reading his Bible late every night, he would cry. He didnít know I was still awake, listening. I was crying tooÖ.alone in my room. I donít know why we never cried together. I guess Daddy didnít want me to think he wasnít strong.
Then a few years later when I came to live with you, it was like I didnít know you anymore. You had a fancy car and big house and so many clothes they wouldnít all fit in your closet. You were beautiful and perfectly groomed on the outside. But I remember thinking that inside; you were alone and dark. It seemed you couldnít get enough íthingsí to fill you up. You treated me like a friend, not a daughter. You bought me lots of gifts when all I ever wanted was you back. I wish you couldíve understood that.
As a teenager, I felt very uncomfortable and sometimes angry when you took me with you to meet other men in secret. I didnít understand why you kept doing that. I didnít want to be there, a part of it. I wish I had never known you continued to cheat, even on your second husband.
Didnít your conscience bother you, Mama?
I made it through my troubled teens and married. When my babies came I thought you would want to be a part of their lives, but you were still wrapped up in the cares of your life. My children hardly knew you. You tried to buy their love just as you did with me.
Please understand my intent is not to condemn you. I just needed to get this off my chest. I know you were not perfect. None of us are. Iíve made so many mistakes. Still making them. But Iím learning to let the Holy Spirit pick me up when I fall.
As you grew older, your body wasnít healthy anymore. You talked about God again. I thought, "how dare you!" Your words sounded like youíd never left Him. But you did! Remember? Did you come back, Mama? Did you ask Him for forgiveness? I want to think so, because I did. I began to pray for you, that youíd be happy, healthy andÖÖ..forgiven.
I have forgiven you, Mama. For me. For my healing. God said I must forgive in order to be forgiven. Heís setting me free. He is so good, Mama. We both missed out on so much of His goodness during the years the locusts ate away. He is repaying me for those years, finally.
I love you, Mama. I wish Iíd had the courage to tell you these things before you left meÖÖ..again. I can only hope youíre at peace now, in heaven.
Your Loving Daughter,
As the funeral service ended, I quietly slipped my letter into Mamaís cold hand and leaned down to kiss her cheek for the last time.
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