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Dearest Mama,
I’m writing to tell you things I’ve had on my heart for a long time. I have a hard time communicating them to you in person so feel I must put them on paper. As you know, expressing myself is much easier when I write. I don’t want to hurt you, I know you love me in your own way. But there are situations from the past that I haven’t completely let go of. I’m not sure you have either.
I’m really trying. I’ve been talking to God about it and He’s teaching me forgiveness. It still hurts though. Even though I’m a grown woman now, sometimes I still feel like a child inside. I ache over the past. God is healing me, day by day.
Remember when you and Daddy were still married and we were a family? I miss those days. God was the center of our family back then. What happened Mama? Why did you leave me and Daddy? Why did you leave God? I think your leaving caused me to stop believing in Him for a long time. My whole world was shattered and I was very bitter. I blamed you first, then Him. The emptiness in our house was unbearable. I missed you. The ‘you’ that used to pray with me every night at bedtime. The ‘you’ that told me Jesus is our very best friend when I was sad that my friend moved away. The ‘you’ that He created you to be.
Where did you go, Mama?
When you left with that other man I thought Daddy would die of grief. Reading his Bible late every night, he would cry. He didn’t know I was still awake, listening. I was crying too….alone in my room. I don’t know why we never cried together. I guess Daddy didn’t want me to think he wasn’t strong.
Then a few years later when I came to live with you, it was like I didn’t know you anymore. You had a fancy car and big house and so many clothes they wouldn’t all fit in your closet. You were beautiful and perfectly groomed on the outside. But I remember thinking that inside; you were alone and dark. It seemed you couldn’t get enough ’things’ to fill you up. You treated me like a friend, not a daughter. You bought me lots of gifts when all I ever wanted was you back. I wish you could’ve understood that.
As a teenager, I felt very uncomfortable and sometimes angry when you took me with you to meet other men in secret. I didn’t understand why you kept doing that. I didn’t want to be there, a part of it. I wish I had never known you continued to cheat, even on your second husband.
Didn’t your conscience bother you, Mama?
I made it through my troubled teens and married. When my babies came I thought you would want to be a part of their lives, but you were still wrapped up in the cares of your life. My children hardly knew you. You tried to buy their love just as you did with me.
Please understand my intent is not to condemn you. I just needed to get this off my chest. I know you were not perfect. None of us are. I’ve made so many mistakes. Still making them. But I’m learning to let the Holy Spirit pick me up when I fall.
As you grew older, your body wasn’t healthy anymore. You talked about God again. I thought, "how dare you!" Your words sounded like you’d never left Him. But you did! Remember? Did you come back, Mama? Did you ask Him for forgiveness? I want to think so, because I did. I began to pray for you, that you’d be happy, healthy and……..forgiven.
I have forgiven you, Mama. For me. For my healing. God said I must forgive in order to be forgiven. He’s setting me free. He is so good, Mama. We both missed out on so much of His goodness during the years the locusts ate away. He is repaying me for those years, finally.
I love you, Mama. I wish I’d had the courage to tell you these things before you left me……..again. I can only hope you’re at peace now, in heaven.
Your Loving Daughter,
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As the funeral service ended, I quietly slipped my letter into Mama’s cold hand and leaned down to kiss her cheek for the last time.
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