It's not the same anymore
Nothing's the same since you left...
I stand beneath the archway leading from the Den into the Kitchen, tears streaming down my face. Never in a million years would I have ever believed that one day it would be so immensely difficult to walk into my own kitchen - but today my love, I have seen such a day. The awkward racing of my heart beneath my breast tells me that this moment is like no other. Though dismal and excruciatingly painful, it is my closure. "But I don't want closure, I want you," my weary heart whispers in weak contradiction, knowing the futility of its own desire.
It's amazing that such a common place would become my treasury of memories, but it was your favourite place to be, so it became my favourite place to be - but only when you were there.
I still remember that moment when I knew for certain that I loved you. It was our seventh date and you decided to cook me dinner or as you had put it, "Tracey, I think its time to let you fall in love with me".
I remember you answering the door in that ridiculous chef hat and floral apron - so unmanly and yet so amazingly sexy and it was right then and there that I knew...I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wanted to be a part of your life forever, ridiculous hat and all. Only forever was a lot shorter than I had anticipated.
The sound of your musical laughter draws me from where I am standing and precariously I step into another world. I hardly feel the cold tiles beneath my bare feet or hear the sound of my soft sobs as my eyes fix upon your perfect face. I can hardly breathe - my mental conjuring is so real.
You're standing behind me. Your arms are entwined in mine as you expertly guide my hand, teaching me how to fold the flour into the cake batter. However, even as you are whispering instructions, so intent on being a good teacher, I remember leaning into you and shutting my eyes, as the feeling of warmth and safety mixed with eternal love overwhelmed me.
"You're not paying attention!" You whispered into my ear and I turned to meet your smiling gaze.
"I am...I listen with my ears"
"Ah, but you learn with your eyes, which would explain why your cakes are so flat". I could see the mischievous gleam in your eyes and I am completely mesmerised. I willingly play into your teasing.
"Excuse me. I remember quite clearly a couple years ago, you telling me what a great cook I was".
"Yes, well look at what that small white lie got me - the most beautiful woman in the world as my wife".
"You," I breathed, biting my bottom lip to suppress my obvious pleasure at your lofty endearment. Reaching over, I dug my hand into the bag of flour resting on the counter. Pulling out a handful, I issued my warning laughingly, no longer able to contain my humour, "Run".
"You wouldn't," you defied me stepping closer. Oh but I would and I did. I let you have it right in the face, which of course ignited a full-fledge flour war.
How many days did we have like this one? Where we would fully intend to bake something fabulous or cook a gourmet meal, but instead we would....
"I want it all back," I scream to the empty silence. "God show me the reason in this. Why'd you have to take him? How do I live without him?"
Hastily I draw to my feet as the gloom of reality now clouds my perfect picture. Silently I cast my eyes upon the length and breath of the kitchen, hearing you, seeing you, remembering the most perfect moments of my life. "I love you. I will always love you," I whisper and then I re-enter the den.
Slipping my feet into my pumps, I pick up the two suitcases leaning against the staircase and walk directly to the door. I do not turn back - I cannot turn back. You're gone and you're not coming back.
"Nothing will ever be the same again," I whisper as I close the front door behind me, knowing that it would be for the last time.
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