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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Pastor (11/30/06)

TITLE: The Deacon's Daughter
By Melissa Morony
12/06/06


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Natalie crept into the church building, through the pews of the sanctuary and to the vestry where the administrator had instructed her the pastor would be preparing the banners for Sunday morning. The sun shone through the windows that lined one side of the sanctuary, it shone upon her golden brown hair that she wore down, strands over her face. Was she doing the right thing? Would he believe her? His predecessor had not believed her mother – a grown woman. But Natalie was tired of covering for her father. She was tired of explaining away her black eyes with stories about bumping into door knobs. Natalie was going to tell the truth. That her father, a deacon in the church and respected accountant in the community was prone to physically assaulting his wife and kids. It might break up her parents’ marriage, but what excuse was there for being violent toward one’s family? Natalie paused at the door and knocked. The pastor opened it, “Natalie,” he said, “so good to see you. I only just came from having coffee with your father. But what are you here to see me about? Should you not be in school?”
Natalie took a deep breath, “Pastor,” she said. As she did she flicked her hair back so he could see the bruise that blackened her eye.


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This article has been read 437 times
Member Comments
Member Date
julie wood12/07/06
A beautifully written and powerful narrative. Vivid description--I could see and feel with the frightened girl preparing to confess her family secret.

The narrative seemed incomplete and left me hanging. I would like to read about Natalie's actual interview with the pastor and to know the outcome. Hard to tell, however, whether this was done deliberately for suspense (?).
Helen Paynter12/07/06
Good powerful start - but I so want to know what happens next. You have real aptitude - don't cut yourself off short!!
terri tiffany12/08/06
A lot of impact for a short story! excellent ending:) You really hit on the girl's emotions well. You might want to make a few changes to make this story even better. Break it up into paragraphs and space it for easier reading and visual impact. A line set aside by itself can be very powerful.
Also look again at your first sentence. You may want to break it up into two. This is good writing:)
Donna Emery12/10/06
What a shame that stories like this exist in the real world. I can only pray that the pastor will be compassionate and will believe her. Keep writing!