The Official Writing Challenge
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Whoa. An allegory about sin, if I'm reading it correctly. You have an intense writing style, with very few errors (I caught "bate" for "bait").
Whoa, again! Again, INTENSE!
I bet I know who wrote this!

I was caught up in the suspense and loved reading this piece.

Only thing I would suggest is to write a little more of the "Lifeguard" theme into it. I know he was a lifeguard, but maybe you could capture lifeguard (or lifeguarding)into the rest of the story a bit more?! Maybe's a very enjoyable story to read!
This sent chills down my spine - your imagery is SO vivid and engaging and spine-tingling. I can't imagine you'll be in beginners long!
You captured my attention immediately and I wasn't disappointed -- not in the least! Yes, you were a little "light" on topic and, yes, you had a few errors, but the depth of your writing is incredible. Very moving and convicting as well. I found it interesting you used the Moses and the Law as not being the answer. Surely this can be used as a strong ministry tool as most people think keeping the Ten Commandments will get them into heaven! Very, very good! A lot of thought went into this. Awesome! :)
Totally amazing. Your descriptions were so well done. This was excellent.
Intense and captivating! One has no choice but to read through to the end, although I wasn't really sure I wanted to!
Gripping! You sure have talent! A gift from our Loving Heavenly Father - thank -you for using it to glorify HIM! I've added this to my favorites list and I will be looking to see who the author is (praying to see your name in the winner's circle). Blessings.
This was wonderful! I think the only thing that could have improved it (besides what has been mentioned already) would be to add the verse about the door being narrow, possibly as a footnote.