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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Doctor/Nurse (11/02/06)

TITLE: The Idiot
By DeWayne Bricker


He felt so secure in who he was; Doctor Manfred Snipe, Orthopedic Surgeon was finely embroidered across his perfectly white, plastered lab coat. He wore it everywhere. He wanted the world to know what he had accomplished and what he was.

He pulled his new, hot, red Jaguar into his RESERVED FOR Dr. slot. As he opened the door a beat up rust bucket of a truck slammed into his open door narrowly missing him. He jerked back in horror seeing the crumpled door.

“Ahhhhh, #@$%&#@&%” erupted from his well educated lips. He slid over to the passenger door and got out.

“What the %#$@*&% us going on? What kind of idiotic nut are you?”

He rounded the back of the injured Jag expecting to see a beer toting hillbilly. What he saw getting out of the attacking vehicle was a petite, frail looking woman about thirty years old in a nursing uniform.

“Oh, sir, I’m so sorry. My brakes went out and I couldn’t stop.”

He positioned his body dead in front of her, towering over her like a commanding general.

“Little girl, you just hit a ninety thousand dollar car. That door you smashed cost more than you make in a year. That piece of junk you call a truck out to be crushed into a small block of metal and thrown in the ocean. I suppose you do have insurance?”

She stood there speechless, looking over her shoulder and about to cry.


She cries.

“Oh, God, now she’s crying. What are you crying about?”

His cell phone rang. He snatched it out of his coat pocket and flipped it open.

“What? Who is this? Yes, I’m on my way. I was just about to come in when a lunatic smashed my car door in.”

He pockets the phone.

“We’ll aren’t you going to speak?”

“My, my son was in an accident and I got a call to come to the emergency room. The nurse that called said I should hurry. She looks over her shoulder again toward the emergency room. I was about to park when my brakes failed. Can I go now?”

“$%#@* no, you can’t go; we have to call the police and get this mess cleared up.”

“Please, I have to see my son.”

He looks up and lets out a huge sigh.

“I have to go to the ER too; some fool hit a bus and hurt some kids. Don’t you dare leave. We’ll finish this after I’m done. You got that?”

“Yes, yes, sir.”

She turns and hurries to the ER.

He looks back at the mangled Jag.

“My baby.”

He turns and hurries into the ER.

Inside the ER, the little nurse runs up to the desk and ask for her son. Another nurse escorts her to a small exam room where she finds her son bruised, but well. She scoops him up and squeezes him like he’s been away forever.

Dr. Snipe approaches the nurse’s desk and bellows.

“Okay, I’m here. Where’s the patient that has caused me to get my car smashed.”

The nurse tells him that the patient has been rushed into the trauma surgery room.

He throws his hands up and curses again.

“Great, another delay, while my Jag sits out there broken.”

He growls, goes into the operating prep room and scrubs in. He enters the operating room.

“Can someone please tell me what’s wrong with this patient? No one seems to know a $%#@ thing that’s going on around here but me.

He sees the two mangled legs of a small boy, and then looks up at the face of the little boy intubated on the operating table. Tears well up in his eyes. He rushes to the table and falls on the child, sobbing.

“Oh, God, Anthony. What happened to him?

The Anesthesiologist pulls him away from the table.

“Manfred, do you know him?”

“He’s my son.”

A nurse walks in not knowing what is happening and sits down at a computer.

“Did yaw here; this kids dad forgot to pick him up at school; kid got ran over while his dad was buying a new car or something; God, what an idiot.”

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Member Comments
Member Date
Dan Louise Mann11/11/06
You did a great job of capturing the mannerisms of most specialty surgeons I have known! I think the story got a little rough as you tried to give us a surprise twist at the end. Just needs a little tightening. Kudos to you!
Cherry Bieber 11/11/06
An excellent reminder to each one of us when calling another an idiot! Very, very well done!
Donna Powers 11/11/06
Unfortunately I know quite a few doctors like this. A sad ending and I pray he wises up, and that his son gets well. Interesting character study. Keep writing!
Everest Alexander 11/14/06
Interesting title - Draws you to read! You are a promising writer, pregnant with creative ideas that need birthing. I feel very strongly that your writing is a God-given gift meant to bless the world.

Your characterization is good! Dialog good! Descriptions very good! I literally saw the action taking place as I was reading.

Now, here are some things to pay attention to: (1) Be more diligent with your spelling (It helps if after you finish writing you lay it down for a couple hours or even a day if you can, then go back and read it with fresh eyes or ask someone else to read it aloud while you listen. This works very well to catch errors and tighten up your work) (2) You began in the past tense and switched to present tense along the way. (3) I am by no means a prude but remember you're writing to a Christian audience. In order to give your work a broader appeal you may consider being a little less extravagant with your use of expletives, even though they're symbolized and you were trying to show the character or lack thereof of the good doctor.

The reason is that in my 18 years experience as a Christian and 4 years Pastoring I've found that Christians are very easily offended. In the final analysis you must do as your conscience allows and what you believe will glorify God! This is just a word to the wise.

Whatever you do, keep writing! To stop would be to deny the world the work of a truly gifted artist! God Bless You!

Sara Harricharan 11/14/06
Wow! This was pretty great. I sure hope that Dr. learned his lesson. The ending didn't have as dramatic a touch as I thought it would have, but I guess that's just me. Overall, good story. Just a tip to help with the symbols-you can always hint that he said something he wouldn't and use the other character's reaction for emphasis. This worked well for me when I have a character like that. Otherwise, Excellent job!