The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
11/06/06
Very creative story containing excellent spiritual truths! I think I understood all your symbolism and the meaning of your names. I was just a bit confused for a few seconds when you were talking about the "Rab Maghi," but then I suspected it means Wise Man. I will remember the power of spoken words and the power of fellowship in combating darkness! Thank you!
11/06/06
I forgot to say that I enjoyed your descriptive style, such as in "terror stampeded through her soul." It gives a vivid picture!
11/06/06
I see this piece coming from an inspired and imaginative writer. The concept was great. The perspective became a little jerky and could be smoother. I received the story through telling what happened, but I think I might have enjoyed it even more if I had been showed. Thank you and God Bless.
11/15/06
Very descriptive and creative! Good opening and great ending.
I noticed some of the same things going on with each of your stories -
Drop the adverbs and use a stronger verb.
Puctuation - too many exclamation points and when dialogue, you need to use a comman before the he said she said.
I would redo my dialogue tags and perhaps make them into an action. Or have none at all if the reader can tell who is speaking.
When you said his faced showed 'intense internal conflict' it might be better to describe the look with an action - like his eyes squinted, or his features froze, or his mouth hung open rather than telling the reader the emotion - let the reader do it on their own by showing the action.
Hope this helps!
So far as I can see you have included all the elements for an excellent story: setting and the set-up, strong characterization, dialogue coupled with motion in the speaker, conflict, epiphany, resolution. . .!

Tremendous achievement!

I have only two suggestions you might want to emplement and both are minor:

The opening sentence might read a tad better,

"Progress was arduous with peril mounting by the minute."

And at the end, the word scampering made me think "joyful." Could you use something more indicative of defeat such as slinking, or gliding - or even falling [away]?

Scattering, perhaps?

As I said, you have majored in the majors and that is so important. Looking forward to reading more of your offerings.
Janice Cartwright