The Official Writing Challenge
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This is very sweet, and inspiring. I'd like to see jr. high aged girls read this and discuss it--it's awesome.
There are some very valuable gems hidden in this story. You have a lesson of obedience, and a lesson of compassion, and a lesson of triumph over fear.

Look at how to rewrite this. Strengthen the lead. I would suggest beginning with the problem and laying out the solution, and then the triumph. Example: God told me to trade places and I didn't want to. My early salavation gave me an ear for God and a heart for others. My obedience made everything work for everyone and really encouraged me.
Keep writing!!