The Official Writing Challenge
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Interesting concept. Here's a tip: It would be much easier to read and understand if you separated it into paragraphs. Especially the dialogue parts.
Nice story - GREAT ending. You may want to watch your verb tense more closely, you've switched between present and past a few times. Also, starting a new paragraph each time someone different speaks would make it easier to read and keep track of who is talking. The characters thoughts should be in italics to differentiate them from the narration, also. Your gift for story-telling shines through, tho, and the message clearly came across. Gave me chills.
Very powerful tale, and it was well told. Your writing is compelling. I also would have liked to see some paragraphs, but enjoyed reading it just as it is.