The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
10/13/06
Nice job--your first paragraph was particularly good, as your reader can practically hear the crackling of the flames.

If I were reading this as a non-believer, I'd be very puzzled by your last sentence. I recognize the phrase "lowly Jesus" (it's from a hymn, right?), but it doesn't seem to fit the rest of the piece, and it might tend to confuse.

Your metaphor of Jesus as fire-fighter is spot on...very nice.
10/14/06
This is very nice, and reminds to me stop and think of all the people who risk their lives daily for our safety.
10/18/06
This is a good story. You could make the writing tighter if you took out un-needed words, and used stronger verbs.

The forest fires were spreading and smoke was coming from the distance into our residential area. We packed up valuables into the cars in case we had to evacuate.

Example: The forest fires were spreading and smoke travelled from the distance into our residential area. We packed the car with valuables in case we were forced to evacuate.

Every writer begins this way.(: