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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Garden (09/07/06)
Melissa had not wanted to go the party; she recalled this as the music throbbed in her ears working in time with the rhythm of conversations, jokes and loud open-throated laughter. Melissa sat on the arm of a low sofa, her head rested against the flat palm of her hand, weighted on her elbow that leaned on the back of the large padded cushion. Some young man was talking in animated, staccato sentences about the joys of rock climbing and the young girl next to him, sweet looking with short blonde hair curling playfully around her ear, engulfed every word.

A man Melissa did not know smiled at her from across the room, revealing slightly crooked front teeth; she nodded slightly and looked away. He had been watching her for nearly an hour now and saw the faintest trace of distaste on her face when he smiled to her. Now he watched her more intently. He studied the way her chocolate silk dress wrapped around her fragile frame and knew how easy it would be to break her. He wove his way through the tight throng of bodies and stopped an inch from the tips of her shoes.

“Hello”, he said. Melissa nodded at him again, smelling whiskey and cheap aftershave. “My name’s Sam”, he said, pressing against her indifference.

Melissa stood up, legs pushed against the back of the sofa as she sought to put distance between herself and Sam. “Excuse me Sam,” she said as she tried not to trip over the sofa, “but I have to go and find Claire.” She had no idea if anyone called Claire was even at the party, but Sam scraped over her instincts like a blunt nail. Under her breath Melissa murmured a prayer and made her way to the back of the house where she was certain she had seen a phone. She had not wanted to be here, and now she wanted to go home

“Dad, it’s me. Could you come and pick me up now please? … Yes I’m fine; I just want to come home now… ok, see you in half an hour. Thanks Dad.” Melissa replaced the receiver and from the corner of her eye saw Sam still trapped in the melee that converged in the dining room. The kitchen door led out to the back yard and Melissa decided to go through to the front of the house to wait for her father.

As Melissa opened the back door, damp air caressed her shoulders, sending a chill across her flesh. The scents of the garden – wet grass and damp earth – refreshed her and she was glad to be waiting outside. The moonlight played upon the flowers in the borders and she thought of the garden at home, and the garden that she would one day create when she had her own home. When her fingers were deep in good earth and her nose was filled with its aroma’s, Melissa felt closest to the Lord then.

Melissa felt him behind her too late to scream – his hand was clamped around her mouth and she felt the weight of him as she was slammed against the wall. She cried out to the Lord in her head as she struggled, the house full of people sounding half a world away. Fear screamed in every sinew with the pain now coursing through her and as the inside of her head seemed to fill with black, she heard Him.

‘I am here my child’. With all her faith, she lifted up her heart to Him and felt Him take the fear and pain with one gentle caress of His hand.








The path was narrow and white like marble, tinted with ribbons of many colours and cool under Melissa’s feet. On each side grass grew as fields of green velvet dotted with perfect white lilies; the air was rich with the scent of jasmine, and the perfect cleanliness that washed in a breeze against her feet swept through her spirit. The past became disjointed; her thoughts and memories moved and entwined in a dance, melting upward in a swirl of light and colour. She could see Him now, shimmering like a half-image: The Saviour, his arms outstretched to her. She fell to her knees, ashamed of herself in front of perfection. He reached out to her and lifted her up, bathed now in the purest light, His child renewed and reborn and home in His rest forever.
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This article has been read 1214 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Amy Nicholson
09/15/06
Whoa! I'll admit I was drawn in by the word "Chocolate" in the title. This was well-written and moves the reader along nicely and that was quite the twist at the end. A bit too disturbing for me, but well-written just the same.
Kaylee Blake 
09/16/06
Yep, the word "Chocolate" drew my attention as well. But intead of getting the sweet romanitc comedy i somehow expected, I got a very deep, very real, well-written story. I think your details were great. Awesome job!
Joanne Sher 
09/16/06
Disturbing? Yes - but also extremely well crafted! Your description is very vivid - I really felt like I was there. And, of course, I loved the end! Wonderful job!
Jan Ackerson
09/17/06
This piece would be excellent as an example of the use of foreshadowing--I got shivers from the very first line.
Ruth Neilson
09/18/06
I have to agree, the word, "chocolate" caught my attention also. And now that I gave it a second a second read over, I have to say that the description of Sam is what gave me the most chills. Keep up this type of writing, you will be moving up soon.

Keep on writing.
Val Clark
09/19/06
This is a strong piece of writing with some great phrases like: ‘Sam scraped over her instincts like a blunt nail.’ Just a few comments that might help you improve your craft and make this good writing better.

Watch out for repetition of the same word in a sentence ie ‘revealing slightly crooked front teeth; she nodded slightly.’

Watch change of point of view in second paragraph.

You don’t need to repeat he said again in ‘“My name’s Sam”, he said,’ as we know he is speaking

In ‘“Excuse me Sam,” she said’ you don’t need the ‘she said’ as it is attached to an action tag so that we already know who is speaking.

Aroma’s don’t need the apostrophe.

I know this may seem picky but they are the things that need to be checked before submitting work and, like I said, making good writing even better. Yeggy.
Betty Castleberry
09/19/06
You had me from the word "chocolate."
I liked this mini-thriller!
Cheryl Harrison
09/20/06
Your title drew me in. You are a gifted writer. Kept my attention all the way through. Blessings.
Suzanne R
09/21/06
I hated this piece. Absolutely extremely strongly hated it. Don't be offended though. That's a compliment on your writing. I was right there with Melissa and fear gripped me well and truly.

I read it one afternoon just before leaving for several hours of meetings. Do you know what played over in my mind ALL afternoon? Yep ... it's totally your fault. If you'd written this badly, I'd have not had a problem.

Thank goodness for the happy ending, and sparing us too many details.

And praise God for the hope of heaven.

Feel good ... my strong reaction is a reflection on your writing ability. You're doing well, Alex. But please, couldn't we have a light-hearted comedy or something next time?!
william price
09/21/06
Way to go Alexandra. Excellent stuff here. THIRD PLACE!!! God bless.
Valerie Routhieaux
09/23/06
Very well done. Surprise ending. I was right there with her the whole time. I smelt his whiskey tainted breath, and heard her silent scream.

Congratulations on your placement.