The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
08/04/06
I can see you wanted to keep us in suspense until the closing paragraph, I only hope our pastor doesn't see me a client!

And I think that is where it lost its impact - after I read the word client for the third time I knew exactly what the ending of the story was going to be - you tried to hide it so much that you essentially revealed it instead.

You are a good writer, and the idea was creative, perhaps if you'd looked for other words instead of client you might have made the ending less obvious.
08/07/06
An interesting piece. It left me with a lot of questions. I'm not quite sure what it was trying to say. If he's that disillusioned with his work, he'll just take the disillusionament with him - there'll be plenty of equally awkward 'clients' at his new post. Thanks for making me think hard this evening!
08/07/06
Definitely an interesting approach to the topic AND this situation - you do a very good job of painting a picture of John's frustration, but I agree with Helen - I can't imagine a change of venue would do much for his discouragement. I would LOVE to see your longer version!!
08/07/06
A writing tip that has been helpful to me suggested asking yourself: "What is the message I hope to share?" At the end of writing the story, ask yourself the same question again to see if you have done that. I bet if you applied this suggestion to your story you could really make this shine. Keep writing.
08/07/06
I agree with the above, client sounds a bit clinical, so to speak. He could have come to terms with his disatisfaction in a humbling manner. Leaves questions to be answered and another story to tell in a longer version. You are very creative, keep up the good work!
You write really well! I shall look out for the longer version. You may have cut out some of things that we really needed to hear. Keep at it!
This is a good story and I liked the concept, but I will agree with the others on the use of the word client. Overall you did a good job.
08/09/06
You are on your way dear writer. You have much talent that just needs to be honed a lil here and there. I know you will be writing at higher levels soon. Be encouraged, just look at the above comments from very talented and anointed writers, who decided your work was so good, they just wanted to add something to help you progress even more in your ministry. Keep up the good work!! God Bless.