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Previous Challenge Entry (EDITOR'S CHOICE)
Topic: Sizzle (05/02/13)

TITLE: Burger Queens
By Nancy Bucca
05/09/13
~2nd Place


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"Hello, Sisters. Hello, Misters. And Goodbye, un-popped fever blisters. This is Marta Skewer of Better Cooks and Neighbors, here to welcome all you ladies and gents to our forty-second annual Burger Queen blast, the yearly whine-out where twenty select females sink their fingers into a gooey bowl of hamburger meat - 70 percent lean, 30 percent fat - wad up a big ball, and plop it on a hot griddle. As they do, they announce to the entire world what exactly it is that makes them sizzle.

"First up is Anita Armsong. Take it away, Anita. ... That's it. Look at all the lard oozing through that latex."

"Yeah, well these plastic gloves are pretty thin compared to the white glove a certain in-law shoves in my face just as I'm in the middle of cooking dinner for my kids. 'Don't you ever clean out your fridge?' she says. Boy, wouldn't I love to defrost hers!"

"I hear you loud and clear, Anita. Now spank that ball with your spatula and teach it a lesson it'll never forget!"

Whap. Slap. Sizzle.

"Mmm. Not bad to start off with. Good job, Anita. Suzie Sunshine, you're number two."

"Unfortunately. Secondhand Sue's my name, but my game is to slam dunk all those slurp-smacking spouses out there who spout sport statistics with a mouth full of food. Then when we wives open up our mouths to speak, they leave the room."

Whap. Slap. Sizzle. Clap.

"Wow, this is one steaming woman. Listen to those cheers. The audience is getting fired up. What a grease-off! Okay, Ellen Elbowworth, tell us what grills your cheese."

"Schools that claim we came from slime, that's what! And they wonder why young men set off bombs. Go figure!"

Whap. Slap. SIZZLE.

"Phew! That was downright explosive. And what's your beef, Barbara Bittle?"

"Exhaust from six-wheelers that spew toxic fumes when I'm stuck in traffic on a hot day."

What. Slap. SIZZZZZZLE.

"And yours, Dora Dunkin?"

"Drunk drivers high on road rage who swerve into the lane I'm trying to merge in, causing me to miss my exit."

Whap. Slap. SIZZLE.

"Excellent, girlfriend. I mean, who can't relate to that? Sara Solochef?"

"SPAM that clogs my email when I'm famished for good news regarding my book manuscript."

"A frustration suffered by many a hopeful author."

Whap. Slap. SIZZLE.

"Rita Relishious?"

"Rabid raccoons that raid my recycling 'cause my so-called 'better half' tossed a bag of chips in it."

"And your twin sister Rhonda?"

"Rotten egg legislators who stuff their pocketbooks with fresh pay increases while wasting my hard-earned tax dollars on pork barrel spending."

Whap. Slap. Double SIZZLE.

"Woo! Look how much meat they've packed into their burgers. Two lean machines, bubbling like volcanoes. I must say I'm impressed. And yet it seems we've barely scorched the surface of those seething sausages. It's your turn, Nina Niceknee. Let's knock this one out of the ballpark. Tell us what makes you sizzle."

"Well. (Sniff) Much as I hate to admit it, it's me."

"Excuse me?"

"If truth be told, I'm just a niggling nag. I've needled my husband nearly to the point of no return."

Whap. Slap. SIZZLE.

"Um, nice work, Nina. Makes me a bit nervous, but that's the idea. Nora Nurturebaum, you're next... Nora?... Please, Sweetie. Can you stop sniveling long enough to..."

SIZZLE.

"Oh, what's the use? I'm a shame to my name. Munching on bonbons while sipping on soap operas, neglecting my family while feeding my own needs. Some nurturer I am. I'm disgusted with the way I've treated them!"

Whap. Slap. SIZZLE. Whap. Slap. SIZZLE.

"Okay. So... um... Harriet Hilarious? How about something happy? Lighthearted. Things are getting a little too serious here. We could all use a good joke."

"Are you kidding? I hate my sin too. It's like a horrible hiss from hell, which is where we're all headed if we can't find a way to halt this horrendous..."

Whap. Slap. SSSSSSSSSS

"Hoo, baby. Did you hear her hurl that hamburger? Seems this cooks are having a meltdown. We're talking weeping and gnashing of teeth. Please, ladies, I never meant for things to go to this extreme. But then again, there's no lying about the lake of..."

SIZZLE.

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Member Comments
Member Date
Noel Mitaxa 05/10/13
Clever imagery and good satirical names, with a strong but gentle challenge to close. Well done (or should that be medium rare?)
CD Swanson 05/12/13
This was a delight to read and I enjoyed it from the first word to the last. Thank you. God bless~
Beth LaBuff 05/16/13
Wow! This rates a 1000 on the 0-100 creative meter! Completely engaging and fascinating. Excellent message. Congrats, Nancy!
Vince Martella05/16/13
Wow, I really enjoyed this. So creative. And you really nailed the whole game show feel. Love the way you weaved in the message, too. Congrats on a skillful win!
Judith Gayle Smith05/16/13
This is sizzling! Congratulations!
Francy Judge 05/17/13
Congratulations! You are a talented and creative writer to come up with this story. I love your MC--the perfect voice for the humor. So much fun to read!
Olawale Ogunsola 05/18/13
A Highly creative work. Congratulations!
Bea Edwards 05/18/13
Deliciously hit the spot. Funny yet convicting, my favorite. Congratulations on this well deserved win!