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Topic: Rest( 01/17/13)
By Allison Egley
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Now I'll admit, I was a bit... confident in my running abilities, and I did tease that tortoise just a bit, but I'm not sure how this whole "race" idea started. Everyone claims I challenged him to a race, but that's just not true. I don't remember exactly what I said, but a race? Between a tortoise and a hare? I mean... really. Who's – pardon the pun – harebrained idea was that? Certainly not mine. I may be one hair short of a wig, but I am not that stupid.
So, however this whole idea got started, there we were at the starting line. The staring pistol sounded and I took off. I ran for a bit before looking back. That poor tortoise hadn't even crossed the starting line. I knew he was slow, but really? What's in that shell of his anyway? Rocks? And I suppose he's not the most aerodynamic thing in the world, but I certainly expected him to be a little faster than that. Now, I'll admit, my first break was indeed just a rest. I mean, I didn't want to humiliate the poor guy, so I thought I'd take a bit of a rest. You know. Sit on the sidelines and... cheer him on. Yeah. That's it. I was cheering him on.
Well, I must have been just a wee bit tired from my preemptive first place victory celebration. You see, my best friend, rabbit, couldn't come to the race, so I decided to celebrate with him early. I had this thing in the bag, right? So I took a rest and fell asleep. When I woke up, he was ahead of me, so I decided I'd walk at a nice leisurely pace to catch up.
But then I remembered something. It was April 15th. I forgot to mail my taxes! So I ran home and then to the post office. Do you have any idea how lame it would sound to say "Sorry. I couldn’t mail my taxes. I was racing a tortoise"? Well, apparently, the entire county is filled with procrastinators, because that line was out the door. Again, I couldn't ask to go to the front of the line because I was racing a tortoise. Who would believe that? You see, I wasn't just resting on my laurels. I was fulfilling my civic duty.
When I got back, he had gained quite a bit of distance. I started to run again, but I caught up in about 13.7 seconds. I decided I'd just end this whole debacle now, and started running for the finish line. Then I started feeling bad for trouncing him so soundly. I decided I'd buy him an apology card. So I ran to the card shop. Lo and behold, there were no cards that were appropriate for a hare racing a tortoise. Again, stupid idea. Why would anyone ever need a card like that? So I bought a blank card. I'd write my own note. Now, would you believe the animal running the register was a snail? Literally. By the time he finished, it was already dark. Again, I was not just taking a rest. I was being a gracious winner.
I ran back to the race, and that little rascal was about to cross the finish line. No problem. It took him five minutes to cross the starting line. Piece of cake. You know what he did next? He got a sudden burst of speed, that's what. Must have been adrenaline or something. I mean, I almost thought he was my kid for a second. I ran as fast as I could, but he beat me. By a hair.
That's my side of the story. You can believe this whole "Slow and steady wins the race" thing if you want, and you can think I'm some lazy bum who only wants to nap, but it's just not true. That's just the story the media wants you to believe. It's a conspiracy theory, I tell you.
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