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Previous Challenge Entry (EDITOR'S CHOICE)
Topic: Funny (10/04/12)

TITLE: The Visitation of Ms. Pearl
By Dennis Doud
~10th Place


The Visitation of Ms. Pearl*

I was raised with Chihuahuas.

Dad read that Chihuahuas are non-allergenic since they’re naked. I was allergic to almost everything, so we had Chihuahuas.

These little dogs didn’t appreciate strangers. They were constantly yapping during the course of a visit until banished to the Gulag – the half-bath at the far end of the house.
Standard operating procedure for all visits: knock on door/yapping /coffee being served/yipping/”Robert, the dogs!”/Gulag.

The day Ms. Pearl came over was strangely different. It became very loud.

“Sell the dogs, Robert,” Mom steamed, “sell them right now!”

Then she calmed down.

“Kill the dogs, Robert,” Mom insisted, “kill them or sell them. Tonight!”

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Ms. Pearl was an ancient wisp of a lady. God’s love just oozed out of her. Now, granted the oozing had become slower, as had Ms. Pearl, but hang around her long enough after church or during a fellowship meal and soon you’d notice that glowing puddle of grace and mercy she was always standing in. And if you were one of the lucky ones, some of that stuff would gently splash up on you.

So when Ms. Pearl comes over for the very first time, it’s comparable to a Presidential visit, (from the guy you voted for, not the other guy). It was a Saturday morning in September. I was almost dead on the couch, the drubbing from Friday night’s football game coming back to haunt me. Mom made me get fully dressed instead of just gym shorts and t-shirt. It didn’t matter. Clothed or unclothed – almost dead is still almost dead.

There was a faint knock at the door. Whitey, the male, begins yapping. Mom shushes him and goes to the door. Enter Ms. Pearl.

Mom ushers her into the living room and over to the “Company” chairs, Victorian things that were barely used except for company. Ms. Pearl settles in, putting her handbag down on the floor. It’s the size of an overnight bag, a thick, cowhide-leather thing artfully hand-tooled with flowers.

“I’ll get the coffee, Pearl. Be right back.”

Mom follows this up with a glare at me as she turns to the kitchen.

“Hi, Ms. Pearl,” I said.

“Hello, Dennis. How are you this morning?”

“Fine. And you?”

“Fine, thank you.”

My social etiquette exhausted, I’m saved by Tinkerbell aka Tink, our female Chihuahua, who staggers sleepily out from under the sofa. She gets past the coffee table before realizing a stranger is in the room. She starts to mincingly move towards Ms. Pearl, a slow, sideways gait.

Ms. Pearl’s face glows brighter, her love of animals apparent by her smile. She slowly bends down to Tink. Ms. Pearl picks her up, holding her at eye-level. Tink has her head turned sideways with her back legs splayed out in a visible sign of submission. And when Tink submits, she expresses it in an unmistakable way.

She pees.

Ms. Pearl’s surprise was authentic as a delicate, arching line of disturbingly warm liquid joined lady to dog, making an incredibly memorable moment. Ms. Pearl’s response was succinct and to the point .

“Oh, dear.”

It takes a moment for Ms. Pearl to realize she needs to put the dog down. By the time she does, Tink is running on empty.

Ms. Pearl bends over the arm of the “Company” chair to set the now-drained dog by her purse. She catches sight of something and stops. Then I see what she sees.

Sometime during the “watering” , Whitey had come into the living room. He was drawn to her big leather purse because of the smell of “animal”. Whitey, thinking he is actually a “real dog”, reacted accordingly.

As Ms. Pearl looks on, Whitey coats her handbag with a steady stream which, when looked back upon objectively, was pretty impressive for a dog his size. His territory marked, Whitey wanders off down the hallway. He passes Mom coming into the living room with the coffee service. Lucky for him he gotta head start.

Ms. Pearl left about five minutes later. Mom walked her to the front door, apologizing profusely. Since I was fully dressed, I snuck out to the kitchen, out the back door, across five backyards, and escaped. When I came back for supper, the Chihuahuas were in the Gulag. Dad had at least talked Mom out of carting them off to the pound.

And Ms. Pearl?

She never came over again.

*(true story)

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Member Comments
Member Date
lynn gipson 10/11/12
Oh, this is wonderful, I laughed so hard at this one! Thank you so much for this delightful story! Well written and a winner for sure, I'd say!

God Bless, Lynn
lynn gipson 10/11/12
I meant to add I once had a Boston Terrior that liked to pee on people too, so I know the feeling of OH NO!
C D Swanson 10/11/12
This was like reading a screenplay...I saw the entire thing unfolding in my head. Nicely written and well told.

Thanks. God Bless~
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 10/11/12
This is hysterical. You had snippets of subtle humor, which I really enjoyed and then when I got to the peeing party (I had a typo here, and meant to say peeing part but thought peeing party fit the scene much better so I didn't fix my typo!:) I seriously roared with laughter. In fact I'm still chuckling now.

The only thing I might suggest would be when Whitey came in the room. Because you didn't out and out say it right away I thought he was humping the purse. (I know that sounds crude which I think when you didn't say something like he lifted his leg and peed on the purse I thought you were being polite so in my mind I saw the humping dog.) Anyone who has dogs knows that both natural actions can be humiliating.

You nailed the topic for sure. I'm willing I'm not the only one who can relate to this story. Your ending was quite strong as well and of course that fact that it is a true story makes it even funnier. It's easy to believe that it's true too because people could't make that stuff up. Thank you for the delightful chuckle.
Laura Manley10/12/12
This was extremely "funny!" Your humor was very well received and because of it, your entry read very smooth throughout. There were only a couple things I noticed that you may or may not need to know, the first being “watering” , -- the comma there needs to be inside the second quotes. Then when you said "Lucky for him he gotta head start," I think it should have read Lucky for him he "got a" head start. But besides those two little bumps, your entry was truly a delight to read. Very nicely done!

Marie Hearty 10/15/12
I can just imagine what Ms. Pearl must have felt, "ALL THESE DOGS!" She handled it pretty good though. Very funny story.

God bless!
Noel Mitaxa 10/16/12
Great pictures and energy here, wrapped up in a story that just has to be true. I must say, urine atural story-teller.
Brenda Rice 10/16/12
You did an absolutely wonderful job of telling this story. Your timing is very good. Your story is easy to read and as funny as can be. Good job!
Wilma Schlegel10/18/12
Dogs have many endearing qualities. One of them is the ability to keep us humble. Great, well-written story.
lynn gipson 10/18/12
CONGRATULATIONS!I abosolutely loved this story......well, well, deserved.
Loren T. Lowery10/18/12
This is absolutely a funny story, made even more so by the way you told it! I'm so happy to see this place so well, as it sure made a good start for my day. Thank-you for the humor and congratulations!
Myrna Noyes10/18/12
This was a delightfully humorous/funny story, and laughed out loud several times while reading it! Great writing! CONGRATULATIONS on your well-deserved win!
Bea Edwards 10/19/12
Simply loved it and thought this could be true...as we have three dogs that do the strangest things. Like chewing my toes and attempting to de-pant me under the desk right now!!
Then I see it is true which made it all the more endearing. Well done and Congratulations!
C D Swanson 10/19/12
Congrats and God Bless~