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Previous Challenge Entry (EDITOR'S CHOICE)
Topic: Spam (not the meat) (11/03/11)

TITLE: Sir Spam-a-Lot
By Allison Egley
~6th Place


"This is Mail Message 2647265, alias Maps, reporting for duty for Reconnaissance Mission 635, with possible Infiltration Mission 635a, if reconnaissance is successful. The mission objective is to find ways past the enemy, who goes by the aliases The Enforcer, The Shield, and The Dominator. Legal name: Mr. Spam Filter.

"The plan is to watch others who try to infiltrate the enemy, to try to spot weaknesses. I will watch from my hiding spot and report back." Maps settled in and watched.

The first message tried to get a running start. "I must get past him. The message I carry is important!"

"Halt! Who goes there?" Spam Filter asked.

"Oh, it's just me. An innocent looking e-mail message..." the first message said.

"Not so fast. You look like spam to me."

"But... I'm NOT spam. I just know she'll want the product I'm selling."

"Sorry. To the junk mail file you go."



"I... I'm... just a message from an old friend," the next message said.

"And old friend who's account has been hacked, perhaps?"

"What would ever make you say that?"

"Because I know what kind of messages this person normally sends. To the junk mail pile you go."

"But... NO!" The message accepted his fate with resignation and walked towards the door marked "Junk Mail."


"I'm carrying an urgent message."

"You look like spam."

"But... I'm not. I've even got a reply attached to me. See?"

"Nice try, but it's an old trick now. Next."

"Mr. Spam Filter Sir, I requesing the urgant reply of your customer. I inherit much money...."


"But Sir..."

"You can't even speak proper English. It's the oldest trick in the book. Junk mail."

The next message approached. "Your customer's bank account has been compromised. I must get this message through."

"And just what is this customer's name?"

The message played innocent. "You expect me to know that? How could we ever get message to all of our precious customers if we had to customize each message with such a silly thing as a name? Certainly you understand how urgent this is."

"I certainly do."

"You do?"

"Yes. I realize how urgent it is that I report you to the authorities for a phishing scam."

"Fishing? You mean... tricking people into catching fish?"

Smoke began to spew from Mr. Spam Filter’s head. "Don't play dumb with me. Now are you going to go peacefully or am I going to have to throw you over, hoping you don't graze the electric fence as you fly past? Don't make me blow a head gasket."

"Okay. Okay. I'll go. Gee. You don't have to be so pushy."



"Going for the friendly approach, I see? Not going to work. Junk mail."

"But I’m not spam."

"You're not, huh?"

"Nope. Don't you know what spam stands for?"

"Yes. ‘Short, Pointless, Annoying Messages.’"

"Exactly. I'm not short. I'm long!"

"So you're... lpam?"

"Something like that."

"Ah, but you see, you've still got the main points.... pointless annoying message."

"I'm not pointless."


"If you print me out on paper, I can be kindle for a camp fire. Beat that."

"Well, you are most certainly an annoying message. And that, my friend, is enough to get you in the junk mail folder. But I've got to had it to you.... at least you were creative."


"But you still don't cut it. To junk mail you go."


"This is Maps reporting. Reconnaissance mission is complete. There appears to be almost no weakness in the enemy. The best approach would be to try to sneak past when he isn't looking. Wait a second. Stand by... I think I may see a chink in the enemy's armor. I'm going in. Will report if mission is successful.

"Maps here. I have infiltrated enemy lines by running through his legs. I am awaiting our target.

"Target approaching. Must remain inconspicuous. Over and out for now.

"Maps reporting. Urgent Bulletin. The human intelligence saw right through me. I've been taken as a prisoner of war, and I believe I am located in the so called 'Junk Mail Sector.' Please send help. I don't think I can last much longer."

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Member Comments
Member Date
C D Swanson 11/17/11
Clever, interesting - and a fun read. Thanks. God Bless~
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 11/17/11
This is great. So very creative. I loved your point of view.

I must admit, the beginning confused me just a little. I wasn't sure who the MC was at first, Mr. Spam filter or Maps but as I kept reading the fog lifted and I was giggling.

I really liked the email with the misspellings and improper English- very creative.

You did an awesome job covering the topic and I enjoyed the mental pictures you painted.
Catrina Bradley 11/17/11
I absolutely LOVE this story! On topic, catchy, original, And FUNNY! I saw a couple of typos (not the one purpose ones. That piece of spam made me giggle.) Great job on this topic!!!!!!
:-D <-- me still grinning.
Fiona Stevenson11/20/11
Clever. God bless you.
Linda Goergen11/22/11
So well done - Very creative and humorous with such vivid detail it was easy to imagine it through the minds eye! Thoroughly enjoyed this!
Jenna Dawn11/25/11
I just got an email yesterday from my "friend". It said she was in Spain and had been robbed and didn't have a plane ticket to get home, nor any money to buy one, and could I send her some money. Hahahahahahaaaaa! My friend is not in Spain. She can barely buy food right now!

Very cute and creative!

I have to say, the mention of "hiding spot" in the beginning didn't sound like it fit the burly military type characters you were painting. Pretty sure they'd say something more "military" like. Perhaps "from behind the barricade" or "incognito" or something-er-other.

Anyway it was a fun read. You score big points on creativity. :)
C D Swanson 12/01/11
Nice job - Congratulations. God bless~