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Previous Challenge Entry (EDITOR'S CHOICE)
Topic: The Critique/Review (for writers) (05/06/10)

TITLE: The Right-on Writing Academy
By T. F. Chezum
05/10/10
~1st Place


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Dear Miss Andrews:

Thank you for your interest in our online writing academy. Iím sure youíll find all the encouragement and coaching you need to become the writer youíve always wanted to be.

Your first assignment is to write a short article about a fond childhood memory. Once submitted, I will review your work and provide feedback to help you improve your writing techniques.

I look forward to working with you.

Nanette
Senior Instructor
Right-on Writing Academy




Hi Nanette,

Please see the attached story which I have attached, the child hood story I wrote was one of my favorite stories from when I was a child and I hope you enjoy it.

Pandie



Dear Pandie:

Your submission was, shall we say, interesting. I sense you have great desire to express yourself.

One suggestion: You seem to repeat words often. In your story you used the phrase, ďshe smiledĒ thirteen times. Try changing things up a bit, using different words or expressions. Perhaps investing in a thesaurus would benefit you.

Resubmit your article and see if you can find different ways to describe the action.

Nanette




Hi Nanette,

On your advice I pick upped a thesaurus and I must say, I never cognizanted how many terms I could use to express my logicalizing and I have rewritten my previous chronicle using my aggrandized vocabulary and I must gratitude you for your accommodateness.

Pandie



Wow Pandie.

You certainly used a lot of big words, but Iím not sure you really understood what I was saying. Itís not enough just to use big words; you need to use all of your words effectively Ö and properly.

Itís not enough just to tell me your sister fell in the pool; find a way to bring it to life. Describe the day, what she was wearing, the smells in the air and what the splash looked and sounded like.

Letís try something a little different. Think about the last time you went out to dinner and tell me as many details as you can remember. And you might want to use spell check before submitting your work.

Nanette




Thank you Nanette!

I think I conjecture what youíre articulating. When I sat down to correspond I cogitated about the events and pondered how to explication them. Then I realized how coruscated my lamp was and how it cascaded shadows over my keyboard and the warmth it emetics and my mentally became very excited because I was thinking about so many more aspects, like the aromatically scented candle flaming on the coffee table in the midst of my living room and I knew if I could elucidating so much about my desk that my rendezvousing would be even easier. Again I am great full, you have given me an appreciated of details which I was never heedfulness and I have assimilated these into my writings which I have forwarded to you for evaluation.

Pandie



Pandie,

I appreciate your enthusiasm and eagerness. It appears you put a great deal of effort into your attempts to describe the events of your night out, but your making this more laborious than it needs to be. It seems the harder you try to advance your writing techniques the more difficult your work is to read. At this point we need to concentrate on concepts that are a tad bit more elementary.

Letís start with sentence structure. You need to separate your thoughts and descriptions, otherwise the reader becomes confused or overwhelmed. See the attached lesson plan and practice using proper punctuation. I think youíll find it much easier to keep your thoughts in order; and it will be much easier for people to read them.

Remember, you really donít need to replace so many basic words with fancy or elaborate words. Please, just write me a simple story.

Nanette




Nanette

I understand. In regarding punctuation. I express my graciousness.

I feel my capableness has greatly enhancement. When it comes to communicability of narratives. I have used this adroit ability. On my latest work; which I affixed.

Pandie



Dear Miss Andrews:

I regret to inform you that Nannette has been placed on an extended leave by her doctor. Due to this fact we have determined it would benefit both parties to refund your tuition rather than subject a less experienced instructor to your account. We wish you the best of luck in your endeavors.

M. Kirvan
Human Resources Administrator
Right-on Writing Academy


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Member Comments
Member Date
Mona Purvis05/13/10
Love this entry! So much fun. I enjoyed the progression from Dear Miss Andrews, Dear Pandie, Wow Pandie to Pandie.
I could see where the frustration set in in the Pandie paragraphs and the teacher used your instead of you're and also( ; and ) only one needed. Very subtle.
Great entry.

Mona
Carole Robishaw 05/14/10
Vary funny. I, too, loved the progression, or maybe it's regression, of events.

Good job!
Barbara Lynn Culler05/16/10
This was great! I laughted out loud from the start!
Verna Cole Mitchell 05/17/10
Priceless! I loved it.
AnneRene' Capp 05/17/10
Now THIS is funny. Great humor and very creative.
Connie Dixon05/17/10
Ha Ha. Loved this. I could totally feel the frustration in this piece. Unfortuantely, I've been on both sides. Great piece, very fun read.
Kimberly Russell05/17/10
This was hysterical...and a little painful. Who(m) amongst us has not endeavered too enthusiastically....whew, now I'm exhausted.
Great job!
Gregory Kane05/17/10
A great ending and all too familiar.
One suggestion: you could have used a centred ... (or other mark)rather than line breaks to demarcate your different items. But it's good stuff all the same.
Jan Ackerson 05/17/10
Hilarious, and definitely one of my favorites so far! I've actually read students' papers like this!
Carol Penhorwood 05/17/10
Thoroughly enjoyable! I suspect you have a winner here.
Linda Germain 05/17/10
Any FW judge can tell you there have been more than a few Challenge entries from "Pandie" over the years. One person (long since gone from here) consistently wrote such awful messes that one of our own tried to help by re-writing the submission and sending it to the offender as an example of why there were so many terrible comments (made sense). Guess what? The very next week, "Pandie" posted the same incredibly horrible stuff.

This is a delicious entry and ROFL hilarious!
Ann Grover05/17/10
Love it.... what else is there to say. Spot-on topic and creative.
Lyn Churchyard05/18/10
The more I read, the more I laughed. It must have taken you ages to write this, Tim. Yes, as Linda said, judges at FW have read this wort of thing many times.
Wonderful entry!
Noel Mitaxa 05/18/10
A sad case of 'pandie'monium let loose in the academy. Good fun to read, and probably fun to write, so long as you ensured your spelling was accurate.
Angela M. Baker-Bridge05/18/10
Your title was right-on for this right-on the money story. Lots of fun to read and I'm sure to write.
Beth LaBuff 05/19/10
What a riot! Super creative work! "I must gratitude you for this!"
Sara Harricharan 05/19/10
Awww! Poor Nanette! The poor dear...ROFL! This was so hilarious! I was giggling from the start and laughing at the end. Wonderful thread of humor, Pandie's character was very well done-especially after the thesaurus introduction!
Author Unknown05/19/10
ha ha ha! love it- especially the ending. the only red ink I have is to say in the one paragraph (I think it's the 2nd one) where Pandie is writing back in very big words-- I had to stop reading and skip over it- I couldn't muddle through it- and, even in a short story- you don't want the reader skipping to get to the good stuff.

nicely done- great sense of humor and great play on the topic.
Karen Macor05/19/10
Laughed all the way through. Great job.
Lisha Hunnicutt05/19/10
Absolutely brilliant! I laughed right out loud. You deserve to place with this one!!!
Rachel Phelps05/19/10
I've edited a few papers like this in my time... too funny and spot-on topic! Wonderful!
Troy Manning05/20/10
Very entertaining! Congratulations on your 1st place!
Joan Campbell05/20/10
Tim, what an entertaining entry, so deserving of 1st place! Congratulations.
Beth LaBuff 05/20/10
Tim! I'm so excited for you! Super congrats on top honors!
Patricia Turner05/20/10
Wow! You hit it right out of the park! Congratulations on a very creative entry and well deserved 1st place and EC top honors!
Sara Harricharan 05/20/10
WOOT!!! Super happy this one did well--ROFL! Great job, congrats! ^_^
Connie Dixon05/20/10
Congratulations, Tim. So happy for you! Great story!
Helen Dowd 05/20/10
Very entertaining! No wonder Nannette had to take a leave. But this humorous account isn't too far fetched. I have seen writings like this. Makes one wonder...Congratulations on your win...Well deserved...Helen
Lyn Churchyard05/20/10
WOO HOO super congratulations Tim! Knew this one was destined for the winners circle. I showed it to a friend last night and he almost fell off his chair laughing. So glad this received the placing it so richly deserved.
Catrina Bradley 05/20/10
I am literally wiping away tears! The manglement of the English language had me rolling on my porch swing. Kudos, brother, on your well-deserved first place. :-D
Dusti (Bramlage) Zarse05/21/10
I can understand why Nanette needed medical leave! Wow. I think my blood pressure rose just reading this! Haha.
Connie Allen05/23/10
I am not a FW judge to critique anyone's writing but I have to tell you I laughed all the way through this entry...Thank you so much for giving me a laugh.
Diana Dart 05/28/10
Brilliant! Creative, snarky and even painfully true. Excellent first place winner.
Amanda Brogan06/02/10
This was tremendouselly HILL-AR-IOUS! :D A very well-deserved first place win. (Was totally laughing all through. ;) )
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 06/13/10
This is the best article I've read in a long time. I laughed so hard. You are truly a master. Congratulations on the well deserved first place.
Maxx .07/02/10
I heard about this and had to come and read it for myself. What a riot! Excellent writing! I loved it from beginning to end! :-)
Amy Michelle Wiley 10/11/10
Ha, I loved this! I'll bet it was harder to write than it looks, too. Great job!